cluttering the net since 2001

finally.....an entry...

Friday, Jan. 21, 2005

OF COURSE THIS ENTRY WAS WRITTEN 3 F'n Days ago...Mr. DIARYLAND...if I paid for your service I'd assrape you or at least stop paying!! Whew...thank god I don't pay you! Keep advertising your great service tho'...I still won't pay!

I spend the majority of my schoolwork time getting organized and reorganizing.There are no books, but rather there is a Source.Meaning all of your reading materials, worksheets, quizzes etc are available to you online.For ease of learning and so that I’m not staring at a computer screen a go’zillion hours a week reading coursework and looking again and again for the links to articles etc.I have printed out my coursework and placed it all in binders.There are five weeks to each class.Meaning 5 workshops per course.I am currently in GEN 300 Skills for Professional Development and have just entered workshop 2.I am not even midway and I’m in the swing of things to the point that I have set times for reading etc.Keep in mind I’ve had to work this around my work schedules that were and are absolutely brutal at times.In the meantime, there’s the man.

The man.

The deeper I get into school and the longer I’ve amassed this insane lifestyle the closer I have become to the man.It’s nice to go home every night and even if he’s asleep I can crawl into bed and curl up next to a warm body.

The last few days have been emotional days due to the events of the other night.I really don’t want to get all up into that subject.But it has brought to the surface a lot of the same feelings I encountered during my recent miscarriage.That little face is haunting me because I wonder still what our child would have been, a girl…a boy….blond….blue eyes..brown eyes…artistic….shy….quiet…kind….sensitive…The entire experience has made me clingy and insecure and yet, it has brought us closer somehow.

In other news, I’m working my ass off.Literally.I am.I’m working two jobs, 55 hours a week and I am a fulltime college student.I have a child that I always feel I am not spending enough time with regardless of what I do.However, these are all decisions I have made for my future, and thusly his.We all know (me and anyone that’s read any sentence in my diary) that his father will never be able to help him make a good start in his adult life, he can’t even figure out how to be an adult himself.But…to say it’s easy because you know it’s the right thing to do with your life at the moment would be a lie.TO say I am not making sacrifices would also be a lie.But I am not financially stressed and I can provide those extra things for my son that I would not be able to do so if not for two jobs.I am planning on quitting the part time job soon due to the location changing and it no longer fitting into the driving schedule to make it to my fulltime job, and they want me to go fulltime there and I can’t quit my job at the University anddrop out of school for another good but going nowhere better job.My priority is college, so dropping the part time job is not due to my not being able to hang in there or perform etc.I welcome the time off so that I can spend more time on my studies, but I am a tad concerned about the loss of income, but then again by then I’ll have financial aid to back things up if need be.

Today was a rare day.A day when I could stop at the bookstore, browse for the sake of personal enjoyment and have a Mocha in hand while doing so.It was a brief hour within my day between jobs and between the other hour sandwiched in on my home laptop checking on class.Online class is different.You must participate at least 4 days out of the 7 that is designated for each week.This does not mean logging in and saying “here I am” but rather this means logging in and reading discussion threads and participating.Truly participating.IE: Type something intelligent.And trust me when I say its somewhat more trying to be an online student because you can’t simply show up and sit there picking at your cuticles and “BE” a part of the class.Attendance is determined by PARTICIPATION.It would be easier to sit in a classroom listening to a teacher drone on I believe.Easier, but not a better education in my opinion!

Today while reading thru my coursework for week 3 (yes I’m ahead on the reading! Did you expect anything less?) I found this quote.“Books are the true university.”, Thomas Carlyle.

I could not agree more.The University does not sell books.They buy the rights to post materials and then they charge students a monthly fee. (which is far more reasonable than buying one book for hundreds of dollars)This also means that one class is “sourcing” information from quite a few resources.Therefore the entire system is called your REsource.But this means I don’t get nice new books in the mail, but rather I have 3 hole punch binders and tons of paper and thank god I found out our copier will print out double sided pages otherwise I’d be a hunchback by the time I graduated from lugging my SOURCE materials around to read them.

Today when I hit the bookstore I bought 3 new books.Hell if I know when I’ll have time to read them but I had the money to buy them and I wanted them and it felt hugely rewarding and so I did it.What did I buy?

The Good Life by Erin McGraw

Homeland by Sam Lipsyte

Ordinary Springs by Lenore Hart

All new releases and I have Homeland with me…and so far it’s to die for funny.I need to laugh.I need to find time to read for leisure or I’ll lose my mind.

Tonight my thoughts are all over the place.The inner struggle about what I should do, have to do and need to do for myself.Time….I need more time.Thankfully I type 120 words per minute.

Thank god for Chloe….she makes me feel human.Thank god for my son…he makes me want to be a better human.Thank god for you honey…you help me breath.


If I have that dream again about that little face….I don’t know if my soul will remain intact.I have another appointment….time to talk about fertility.

8:05 a.m. ::
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