PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

fluctuation....

Thursday, Oct. 03, 2002
I spent my evening enthralled with my new book! That of course was after I sat in the foyer of my house on the bench that’s there with my eyes closed saying a prayer for my friend. It is rare for me to come across someone that I can be open and honest with and not be judged, not be shunned and more importantly know that I am talking to a friend. These things are priceless. The mere idea that a friend of mine would do something as kind as send me a book I pined for at the mere drop of a hat, within days of wanting it, well this act of kindness completely made me stop and ponder certain things.

I have always considered myself to be the best sort of friend to have. I have thought for long periods of time that I am a good person, a good confidant. Tonight I sat and thought long and hard about these things. I sat on the bench holding that package in my hands….praying and thinking.

jump 2 hours later…

Yesterday husband bought a cane. It’s the niftiest cane I’ve ever seen. It folds down and has this toy like clasp that allows you to fold it in half. It’s neon blue and I tell ya if you must be cane toting, this thing is bitchin’. Yesterday he was leaning heavily on that cane, telling me that he could barely walk.

Tonight I saw him and he was walking completely normal. This baffles me as it did in the beginning. And then I read a few articles online about his disorder where they stated that this is how this disorder is. Imagine carrying a cane one day and walking freely the next and never knowing what kind of day you are going to have. I told him that his cane is bond like and at the same time rather McGyver inspired.

I asked him tonight what kind of friend he thought I was to people. His reply, “I think as long as a friend of yours is tenacious and forgiving of your strong personality, you are the best kind of friend in return.” “You have high expectations of people, but I think that’s because you expect yourself to be all things for someone else and think everyone is like you are.” Damn…he’s probably right.

Recently I have felt like the shittiest of friends towards Mad. His current situation, one that I will not discuss here or get into out of complete respect… Well the situation confounds me, angers me and I can’t contain my own emotions and opinions long enough to just let him rant and rave and speak freely. I have taken a few steps back and away from it trying to get my own head straight and determine what the hell kind of friend am I being? The worst…that’s what kind. I need to keep my mouth shut and offer an ear. That is a difficult thing for me to do. Yes I am opinionated about certain things and someone bailing on marriage….fuck I have a strong opinion on that issue. I’m too damn close to it right now.

The really odd thing is that husband went out of the local area for work today and he stopped at a used bookstore that was next to a deli during his lunchtime. He brought me a book that he paid $1.50 for. I checked out the reviews on Amazon and I would guess that its perhaps a good book. Of course I haven’t looked at it because I have been working on some writing exercises from this book that Sandy sent to me.

Pumpkin coffee tonight, a hot bubble bath, a great writing book, a comical and wonderful drawing from my son and I am a happy girl. Oh and I just got some cottage cheese. I’m happy about that.

2 hours pass...

Tonight was a night of reaching out to people that simply without a word walked away.

Please don't say goodbye, just walk away.
Its the only thing I know.
You might confuse me if you stay.


Yeah, I’m done reaching out. I’m going to try something new and reach in. Anyone notice the fluctuation in my moods as the night wore on and I added to this entry? Yeah, its fucked to be depressed. Thanks again Sandy, I so owe you so very much.

PoeticaL
12:22 a.m. ::
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