for the last time...
Friday, Feb. 21, 2003
When I had to move out of the house my ex was using Ms. Cleavers credit card to get a moving truck and a storage unit. He is in posession of all of my sons belongings including clothes, shoes, etc. While I was struggling just to eat, keep gas in my car, hang onto my job and try to find a place to live he was having his bills and needs met by a woman hell bent on stealing someone else's husband. As I have stated a thousand times before, I have no family here in this state or anywhere for that matter. And unfortunately or just by fact, I have no credit cards to abuse for the things I need like he did. He emphatically stated "I am using my friends for the things I need!" Jerk!
I need an attorney, I need money...to get my child back. I can't just go grab him and take him and keep him without a way to care for him. That would be selfish on my part and would not be the best thing for my son. Even though I would love to do just that, I believe that right now it's the wrong thing for my son. He loves his father and the fact that his father lied to me for years, cheated on me for the last year...those things don't stop my son from loving his father.
I allowed my son to go with him because I had $20 to my name at the time and also none of his things. He took them while I was at work one day. If I went and grabbed him would that be very fair to him? He would then have none of his own things. No toys, no books, no clothes, no shoes, nothing! I do not have money for an attorney nor do I have cash to begin to replace all of his things. I do not have his bed either. Under those conditions he would be the one to suffer. Instead it is me who is suffering by missing my son the way I am.
After today I will no longer discuss my son in the context of this situation here on my diary. It's not worth all the judgemental shit I have to hear from people who don't even know me. Send cash, give constructive advice or shut up.
Furthermore, something I said in my diary upset Rick. When I stated that I was on this lease and that would help me later in getting a lease on my own... The fact of the matter is, I don't intend on leaving Rick now or at anytime in the future. I want him to be a part of my life, my son's life now and always. He wants to be there for me, and I have consistently fought that because 12 years of a shitty marriage starts to make you think you don't deserve someone being as nice to you as he is to me.
I am going to have my son this weekend. And want to state that my ex has never refused me access to my son. Not even once. Sometimes it's a bitch coordinating it, but he has never said no to me when I ask to see my son. I can't wait to see him, hug him, laugh with him..etc. I know the situation sucks, but he knows I love him and am doing the best I can. He knows his father left me without a place to live, he knows the truth, he was there.
one last thing to the most wonderful guy ever....
I love you Rick, I'm so sorry for all of my confusion...I readily admit that I'm struggling to find the right answers and I always chose to be the one to suffer things out alone rather than hurt the people I care about by dumping on them. So many people in my past bitched and complained about being dumped on....you come to me and say "don't push me out." I am going to try hard not to do that anymore. I am the luckiest girl to have you. I want to plan to be together, deal with this together, so that we can be happy together. My son likes you and more importantly I know he needs a role model in his life who is an amazing person like you are. I am so blessed. I'm sorry.
-PoeticaL
