PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

fuck today fuck yesterday and fuck tomorrow

Tuesday, Sept. 30, 2003

I fucked up.Oh boy, what else is new?I need to rant and rave and just shout and go on and on about it but I wonít.Suffice it to say I spent too much money.Money I donít have.Iím sad inside almost all of the time, and Iím sick of being emotionally sick.

 

I want to come home to smiles and arms open waiting.Iím tired of being told I donít matter.Iím frustrated by my mistake but Iím doing the best I know how to rectify it.

 

I hate not having anyone to truly fall down on.Its one thing to know you are alone, itís quite another to have it told to you over and over again in one way or another.

 

I overextended myself financially and now I have bills coming out wazoo.Itís my own fault for being ebay addicted, for taking my son out to too many places when Iím money starved and brain rich.

 

I know that Iím exhausted emotionally.Tired of calling home to be greeted with indifference.Iím wrong if I call, wrong if I donít call, half the time he doesnít answer, the other half of the time he answers as if he didnít want to anyways.One moment Iím wrong for not allowing him closer access to my son, my life, my problems, my thoughts, my fears.In the next moment Iím just the other half of how the bills get paid.In one breath I am wrong for not greeting him at the door, for not taking him to work, for not picking him up, for not being all smiles in all the inbetween times.In the next moment I am too much, too close, too needy, too confusing.

 

Heís angry because I have male friends, thatís an all the time thing, yah that oneís big.I came home today and he was laying in bed.He disconnects my pc connection sometimes and then Iím left wondering how to fix it.†† Iím supposed to pay half of the bills and then I canít access the services half of the time.Iím agitated because I canít carry the load I have and agitated that he thinks because I make what I make I should be able to do it.In his mind I am rich.Yet when I point out the bills I have that he doesnít have I am wrong for doing that too.

 

Nevermind that I have auto insurance (still not paid b.t.w.) and a cellphone bill and gas to put in my truck to get back and forth, a child to provide for, etc etcÖIím rich in his mind.Nevermind that when I add up my bills they are always more than my income.Yes this time is my fault.Way too many clothes from ebay this time around.But I work in a professional world where throwing on the same pair of pants and shirt everyday wonít cut it.

 

This time I spent too much at the grocery store too without deducting my paypal and checks first.I did a pisspoor money management and thatís not his fault.But fuckÖ.Iíll still have $20 for the next two weeks if I pay everything now.

 

FUCK!And my first reaction is to call ex, because he makes far more than I make and he can loan me some cash, but then that pisses Rick off too.My endless running back to ex for help.I do it because honestly in all of my life, everytime I was in a jamb I ran to him, itís hard to break that habit.I hate him but I run to him, I wish it were different but it isnít yet.

 

I keep thinking that Rick hates me one minute, loves me the next minute and yet his expectations of me are massive.I fucked up.Iím sorry I cant get my head straight, Iím struggling at best.

 

Mostly I just want to run away.

 

I havenít been to the shrink in two months.Canít afford itÖ..Iím dragging.I hate my new job, I lie to old ladies all day ABOUT the non fact that if you owe for an old cell bill you can be taken to court over it.Ixnay on thatíay.Itís not trueíay. Thank god I have an interview on Wednesday for an online auction house company. b.t.w. not sure if I'm pregnant or not....haven't had the guts to investigate farther into it. I'm waiting.... for what I don't know...

 

FUCKÖjust FUCKÖ.tonight sucks.

 

-PoeticaL

12:34 a.m. ::
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