PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

fuck my family!

Wednesday, Jan. 09, 2002
This morning when I looked outside I thought I was back in PA. Down to 34 degrees last night. I have jeans on today and slide on shoes that are toeless. And my toes are blue. Frig�I thought I moved somewhere warm 4 years ago.

�Bucky� saw my grandma and my Aunt Kathy yesterday for lunch. They drove over to my in-laws house in PA and picked him up for lunch. I spoke to �Bucky� first and he told me �I went to lunch with your mom and your Aunt�. For two seconds my stomach felt really sick. I knew that he was just confused and that he had been with my Grandma and my Aunt and not at all with my mother. But he said �your mom� and that was enough to make me feel sick for a few seconds.

(I haven�t spoke to my mother in 11 years. She�s never met �Bucky� and I would die if she ever did now. He�s 9. He�s better off not being subjected.)

He told me he had a good time with them. I explained that he was with my grandma or is his great grandma and my Aunt is his Great Aunt. I think he�s still confused but doesn�t really care anyways. He just knows he got to eat and go to an arcade and play a bunch of games and get tickets and turn �em in for some junkie-kewl toys. He�s happy. That�s all he sees. He doesn�t see the politics of family.

Then I called my Grandma and asked her �So you got to see �Bucky� eh?� She said, �he�s such a great kid�he�s so friendly and sweet and funny and articulate.

I replied dryly �Of course he�s amazing, he�s my child.

She replied �He was so relaxed especially being that he didn�t even remember us.� �Which is understandable because he hasn�t seen us in almost 4 years.� �He told us that he didn�t remember us.�

I replied �He is a great kid�he would have remembered you if he had ever seen you (while we lived) in PA more than once a year.� �After-all he remembers my in-laws since they saw him all the time.�

Grandma replied �Yes but they have come there to see him as well.�

I said, �No one ever said you couldn�t do that same thing.�

Then she went back into telling me that �Bucky� has tons of hair. And that he got so big. (Doh! That happens in 4 years time! He was 5 when we left and is 9 now�hello????)

I spoke to her for a few more minutes. Then I called my Aunt to get her take and wasn�t surprised to have a complete repeat of what I just heard from my Grandma. Except for one key thing.

Aunt said �I asked him when we were going to see his Mommy and Daddy visiting in PA and he told me �NEVER!� and I realized at that point that I could have asked him a thousand questions and would have gotten the scoop on exactly what is going on there�but I didn�t.�

FUCK HER! FUCK HER for saying that to me. Fuck them both for always assuming my son isn�t amazing. And fuck them for never taking more time to be something special in his life. As it is he looked at them and said �I don�t remember you.� But he also cheerfully put his shoes on and got in a car with two older ladies that meant jack-shit nothing to him and went out to lunch. He tells me he had a good time and I never want to be told that I was the reason he didn�t know them.

And besides they�ll never see me and or husband in PA again because we both just plain fucking hate it there. Together or un-together it will never fucking happen.

I know he�ll come home with a thousand more questions about my mother and family. I dread it.

He�s coming home tonight and I swear when I see him walk towards me I�m gonna burst out in tears because I facilitated him being subjected to family bullshit. I have to keep repeating to myself �It�s their loss..their loss�.their loss�.fuck them�fuck them�.�

They both kept telling me how great he was as if they were surprised. Not once did �Bucky� tell me how great they were. Not once.

I asked him �Do you miss me bud?�

He said �No�I just love you Mom.�

Awwwwwwwwwwwww

9:10 p.m. tonight and I�m gonna hug that kid like crazy. Never again. I swear. Never again! At least my in-laws did the right thing. Amazing grace. But I still fucking hate them for what they did to me. I just won�t get in the way of the relationship they have with �Bucky�. That�s wrong.

Why am I so fucking good and everyone else is just so fucked? Why did I write that fucking entry yesterday? Go figure�.

PoeticaL

We're on line and we're fine but we're out of time
not a crime, it's a sign by the grace of god goes I
could it be that you see one of your family insanity
affecting the paternity of your family tree
-Meet the Family
9:43 a.m. ::
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