cluttering the net since 2001

fuck my family!

Wednesday, Jan. 09, 2002
This morning when I looked outside I thought I was back in PA. Down to 34 degrees last night. I have jeans on today and slide on shoes that are toeless. And my toes are blue. Frig…I thought I moved somewhere warm 4 years ago.

“Bucky” saw my grandma and my Aunt Kathy yesterday for lunch. They drove over to my in-laws house in PA and picked him up for lunch. I spoke to “Bucky” first and he told me “I went to lunch with your mom and your Aunt”. For two seconds my stomach felt really sick. I knew that he was just confused and that he had been with my Grandma and my Aunt and not at all with my mother. But he said “your mom” and that was enough to make me feel sick for a few seconds.

(I haven’t spoke to my mother in 11 years. She’s never met “Bucky” and I would die if she ever did now. He’s 9. He’s better off not being subjected.)

He told me he had a good time with them. I explained that he was with my grandma or is his great grandma and my Aunt is his Great Aunt. I think he’s still confused but doesn’t really care anyways. He just knows he got to eat and go to an arcade and play a bunch of games and get tickets and turn ‘em in for some junkie-kewl toys. He’s happy. That’s all he sees. He doesn’t see the politics of family.

Then I called my Grandma and asked her “So you got to see “Bucky” eh?” She said, “he’s such a great kid…he’s so friendly and sweet and funny and articulate.

I replied dryly “Of course he’s amazing, he’s my child.

She replied “He was so relaxed especially being that he didn’t even remember us.” “Which is understandable because he hasn’t seen us in almost 4 years.” “He told us that he didn’t remember us.”

I replied “He is a great kid…he would have remembered you if he had ever seen you (while we lived) in PA more than once a year.” “After-all he remembers my in-laws since they saw him all the time.”

Grandma replied “Yes but they have come there to see him as well.”

I said, “No one ever said you couldn’t do that same thing.”

Then she went back into telling me that “Bucky” has tons of hair. And that he got so big. (Doh! That happens in 4 years time! He was 5 when we left and is 9 now…hello????)

I spoke to her for a few more minutes. Then I called my Aunt to get her take and wasn’t surprised to have a complete repeat of what I just heard from my Grandma. Except for one key thing.

Aunt said “I asked him when we were going to see his Mommy and Daddy visiting in PA and he told me “NEVER!” and I realized at that point that I could have asked him a thousand questions and would have gotten the scoop on exactly what is going on there…but I didn’t.”

FUCK HER! FUCK HER for saying that to me. Fuck them both for always assuming my son isn’t amazing. And fuck them for never taking more time to be something special in his life. As it is he looked at them and said “I don’t remember you.” But he also cheerfully put his shoes on and got in a car with two older ladies that meant jack-shit nothing to him and went out to lunch. He tells me he had a good time and I never want to be told that I was the reason he didn’t know them.

And besides they’ll never see me and or husband in PA again because we both just plain fucking hate it there. Together or un-together it will never fucking happen.

I know he’ll come home with a thousand more questions about my mother and family. I dread it.

He’s coming home tonight and I swear when I see him walk towards me I’m gonna burst out in tears because I facilitated him being subjected to family bullshit. I have to keep repeating to myself “It’s their loss..their loss….their loss….fuck them…fuck them….”

They both kept telling me how great he was as if they were surprised. Not once did “Bucky” tell me how great they were. Not once.

I asked him “Do you miss me bud?”

He said “No…I just love you Mom.”


9:10 p.m. tonight and I’m gonna hug that kid like crazy. Never again. I swear. Never again! At least my in-laws did the right thing. Amazing grace. But I still fucking hate them for what they did to me. I just won’t get in the way of the relationship they have with “Bucky”. That’s wrong.

Why am I so fucking good and everyone else is just so fucked? Why did I write that fucking entry yesterday? Go figure….


We're on line and we're fine but we're out of time
not a crime, it's a sign by the grace of god goes I
could it be that you see one of your family insanity
affecting the paternity of your family tree
-Meet the Family
9:43 a.m. ::
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