PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

fuck talking to ex

Wednesday, Mar. 12, 2003
I haven’t updated because I’ve been living life. I’ve been busy spending time with Bucky and Rick. I have been busy driving my new truck, reading books, drinking coffee and basically taking a huge much needed breather. I’ve been calmer and cooler and mentally better.

And then I make one phone call asking ex if he’ll agree to allow me to take Bucky to NC if and when I take that job there working for “him”. And…BOOM….can you say nightmare? He didn’t say no but then there we are screaming and yelling at each other about all the shit that went down in our marriage. He says he’s happy now because he’s not lying to her. Oh hell…whatever. Who does he think I am? Sure…he went from lying daily at the drop of a hat to being Mr. Honesty? C’mon do people change? Can they? C’mon I don’t buy it. I was so quick to let him have my son, thinking I couldn’t ….fuck this is all so confusing and impossible to explain in words here. And then we’re back talking about rape, and cheating and pregnancy tests without explanation, all the lies and issues and bad events of a twelve year marriage. He claims he was faithful for ten years….whatever…again I don’t believe him. He says he can and does trust her because he’s with her all of the time. Whatever! They have to be together all the time so they can trust one another? Sure that’s normal…whatever. And then we’re screaming and he says “and this is how every conversation always ends.” And I hung up.

People don’t change in a matter of months. They don’t go from climbing out of bed at 4 a.m. lying about going for breakfast to being all the things he says he is now. He says he’s happy…great. I don’t care. I just want my son. And I don’t want him dictating to me….what I can and will have in my life.

I want Rick and Bucky and myself to move to NC and I want to work for “him” at a job I already know will be an amazing opportunity and the only way I’m taking no for an answer is if I’m halfdead and being run over by a truck at the moment. I know what I want, I have most of it already….and damn it I’m not giving up any part of my own life just because one man couldn’t keep his dick in his pants long enough to build a life with me.

Faithful man who loves me? Check
Beautiful blue eyed son who fills the world with joy? Check
Job opportunity in a warm beach climate working for someone I have huge amounts of respect for? Check

Deadbeat disease invested piece of shit for an ex going to stop me? (Absolutely no check)

I’m happier than he can lie himself into being, even for the sake of a conversation with me. I am blessed, I have my health, I will have a new family with more gifts from God, I know I was given a return on all my pain from the past. All of this and there are always just two reasons to persevere and chase my dreams …Bucky, Rick…..just two huge reasons.
-PoeticaL


we both read you everyday and talk about you. you are our favorite link : )

note: Thank you Trace and Lori! Thanks for your eyetime…and thanks Trace for being someone I can tell anything to without judgement. 8-)
1:10 p.m. ::
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