cluttering the net since 2001


Friday, Nov. 11, 2005
See….I’ve known a certain fucktard for too long of a time. (this is in response to my guestbook fucktard repeater...IP addresses do not lie!) Justin is a certain fucktard that try as I might to burry the hatchet with….will not allow for it. I know it's not nice to call someone a fucktard but it's been earned over the years. This fucktard chooses to be judgemental and yet take some ill explained interest in whatever I choose to write or say. If you don't like who I am or what I write or say...fuck off I say. There's millions of things to read online...go at it. He is a fucktard that doesn’t know me and yet thinks he does. The internet with all of it’s glorious people….and yet all it takes to hate it..is one f.t.

It has been 6 months since I entered a Starbucks and bought anything outside of plain coffee with 1 Splenda pack in it. (wait...I did buy Rick a mocha at his request...but I didn't partake because I do have willpower like that to stick to my own guns) In fact it’s been about 4 ½ weeks since I drank anything from Starbucks period! I have given up milk, bread, pasta, oh and the list goes on and on. I eat tons of protein, fish, chicken and meat and no processed foods from a can or a box or a bag for that matter.

I have lost approximately 23 lbs, two shirt sizes and 1 ½ pant sizes in the last few months. I know that if I lose it fast it is not a permanent change of habits and will not remain off.

I have not blamed every pound on PCOS. I blame the difficulty in easily losing every pound on the PCOS. It is a symptom of the illness. Do I blame everything on this illness…no. Did I search out a suitable illness that caused a miscarriage and difficulty in getting pregnant again? No, who in their right mind would wish such a thing on themselves in order to justify being overweight? Until you have a degree in medicine…shut up.

I have been exercising on and off since I got a divorce. More heavily concentrated in the last 6 weeks and while I have attempted these things in the past all while fighting ongoing depression, PCOS issues, a miscarriage, etc. I have stuck with both the better eating habits and the exercise this time around. I see no reason not to do both continuously. I sought the advise of a trainer and have the support of a few close knit friends and with these things I have been more successful.

However, I have not done any of these things to have a smaller ass or to be happier about myself but rather to gain more energy and feel healthier because I am taking care of myself….the energy is nice to have because I need to continue being successful in my college studies. And I have been nothing but successful, save for Math and that issue is being resolved as I type.

Because I choose to love myself no matter what does not mean I embrace any of my issues or problems. It means I embrace all that I am and love myself regardless. It doesn’t mean I sit around drinking “liquid fat drinks” and boo hoo’ing about my lot in life. It also doesn’t mean that I intend to improve myself because “society” says this is the acceptable. If I know that I am doing cardio exercise for 45 minutes a day and that I am consuming healthy foods in proper portions without carbs, sugar and fat and cholesterol then I am and will continue to be proud of myself.

Rick’s attraction to me doesn’t go up and down with the scale. It doesn’t change regardless of what I am doing. It is based on love….love does not judge. Attraction is not about the number on the scale in our relationship.

It should also be noted that I wrote what I wrote not based on Justin so much as based on a blog entry my friend Krystal wrote. It was based on all the women in the world that shove their fingers down their throats and have “thinspiration’s” ( pages full of women that somehow fit the media’s idea of beauty) and some fucked up idea that the only way in which they can be happy and fulfilled is if the scale says the right number or they possess what someone else’s idea or notion of beauty is. I like that I have curves, I like that I am female, I love that I have never had need to pine away for breast implants. And I really love that I have someone in my life that can rest assured that I love him regardless of his pant size or his shirt size or his hair length…blah blah… I will always crawl into bed with him and rejoice that he is mine. That is what real love does.

I can physically do everything I need to do for myself and all of my loved ones…including take the dog out for a run. I can do anything my heart so desires. I can obtain a promotion at work, a raise, praise, joy, etc etc etc….I can play in the park, walk for miles and miles without losing my breath…..with an obese ass or thin ass. If you think being thin is all that can afford you joy in life….sad.

I didn’t tell anyone to sit around eating like a pig and loving it. I said…love who you are…and be at peace with yourself.
4:04 p.m. ::
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