PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

fuck you

Saturday, Jul. 27, 2002

Ok…this conversation I had with "him" today…and it’s over. I’m over it. I realize because of so many other things that I made allowances for him because at the time I needed someone to talk to. I don’t need anyone in my life this bad. SO bad that I let them treat me as less of a person than I am. Pamela split cause she wanted to go out with her friends who came in from out of town one night and he got pissed that she broke plans with him and he gave her her stuff back and said ‘have a nice life.” He’s a dick to everyone, not just me. When he told me about that I said, “I don’t want to ever sign up for that deal.” He’s looking for perfection and yet he’s got so many issues himself that he overlooks because he spends so much of his damned time looking for other people’s faults.

Me: hey

Me: oh..

Me: doesn’t look like you’re there..

Him: you have a question

Me: ut oh......he is home

“him”: do you?

Me: nope I just wanted to say hi

“him”: ok

“him”: high

Me: what's wrong?

“him”: nothing

Me: you sure?

“him”: everything is fine

Me: k

Me: just seemed........ welll....i'll let you go

“him”: im in pal

“him”: your the one who got pissed yesterday

Me: *shrugs* I'm over it

Me: I always get over it

Me: I'm fine

Me: in fact I'm in a great mood

Me: its like I told you.... it's just hard "sometimes"

“him”: good because i am not going to stop living just because theirs a girl down in FL who cares about me

Me: when it gets that way I just want to hang up and distance myself from it until I get passed it

Me: I don't expect you to

Me: I'm fine

Me: lets not fight about this

“him”: i dont think i should discuss my personal life with you anymore

Me: oh geez

Me: listen I gotta tell you something

“him”: shopping daily things work weather those things are fine

“him”: from here on out im not talking about my personal life

Me: and you give me a big ass speech about how it's a bad thing and I don't care cause I'm doing it

Me: you ready?

“him”: sure

Me: you can tell me what you want or what you don't want....

Me: something happened last night and I'm over this mess of thinking about you

Me: that's all it is ...a mess

“him”: yeah its all fucked up

Me: a mess that gets us nowhere

“him”: its your mess

Me: we need to be friends

Me: and I need to accept that

“him”: if it was my mess i wouldnt be out dating would i

Me: and YOU need to go work things out with Pamela and figure out what you're so afraid of

“him”: i did

“him”: her and i spent the evening together

Me: but I make my feelings and my mess about it yours and that is wrong and I'm shitty to have ever done that to you

Me: I'm wrong....not you

Me: and i"m telling you it's over

Me: its done

“him”: good

Me: I'm not ever coming there

Me: I'm not ever meeting you

“him”: ok

Me: and it doesn't mean I don't care about you because I always will

Me: but you're there and you don't want the life I want

“him”: no i dont

Me: yeah so.......I'm telling you I'm sorry

Me: and I hope you had a good evening with her last night

Me: I really do

Me: I know you doubt that but let me just say I care about someone else

Me: I fought it and fought it but the fact of the matter is...I do

“him”: Ok good

Me: I wanna show you something

“him”: i dont know if i wanna see it

Me: why?

Me: its not bad

“him”: what is it

Me: oh nevermind

“him”: ok

“him”: that might be better

Me: here I am trying to put this all in the category of friendship only

Me: no more fucked up conversations like yesterday, because incidentally you called me and I wanted to hang up, you wouldn’t let me

Me: no more of that, don’t call me anymore, save us both those suck ass conversations

“him”: anything with your personal life i dont think i wanna know anymore

Me: cause they suck and they go nowhere and they just fucking SUCK

“him”: and im not gonna talk about my personal life either

Me: fine I'm trying to fix this and you're being a dick

“him”: whats left is green area which is ok

“him”: im fixing it too

Me: whatever

Me: goodbye

“him”: theres going to be things we dont need to discuss anymore

Me: I said goodbye

“him”: ok

Me: we're not discussing anything anymore

Me: ever

“him”: thats your choice

Me: about anything!

Me: I have people in my life that do care about me

Me: not just half

Me: not just when they're girlfriends stand them up

“him”: great go be with them

Me: not just when they need someone to listen to them go on and on and on about work because no one else cares enough about them to listen to them

Me: not because they pick girls to date that can't "keep up" intellectually

Me: I came to tell you something and that I'm happy and you're being a dick and that really fucking sucks

Me: you don't know how to be anyone's friend

Me: dick dick dick

“him”: no im not

“him”: im trying to not rerun the same program that weve been doing for over 2 damn years now

“him”: Why dont you just try it. All i am asking is we dont discuss our personal life

“him”: everything else is fine

“him”: obviously the way we been doing things runs into trouble sooner or later

Me: my friendship was never conditional

“him”: oh fine just blow all i just said

Me: yeah because it blows

“him”: im fucken sick of feeling the way you make me feel every time i try to move on with my life

Me: I met someone who is there unconditionally, who lets me be me...whatever that is on any given fucking day, someone that is my friend and lets me go to him no matter what time of day or night it is, someone who makes me happy. Move on with your fucking life, I don't give a rats ass, I met someone else. Someone who sees who I really am!

“him”: excellent

Me: yeah it is and you're being such a dick I can't even tell you that

“him”: no

Me: yesss

“him”: im not discussing yours or my personal relationships anymore

“him”: with you

Me: I'm telling you that's bullshit conditional bullshit and I don't need that. I'm worth more than someone saying "I'll talk to you if..."

Me: I'm sick of your "ifs"

Me: I'd be with you "if....

Me: I'd love you back..."if....

Me: and now I say I just want to be friends so that it all is something good and you say I can’t discuss that

Me: that fucking sucks

Me: and then I tell you I met someone and I'm happy and you say "you can talk to me only if....

Me: you and your fucking "ifs"

Me: I hope someone comes along that you love and she looks right at you and says "gee “him” you're great...I'd love you back IF!

“him”: too much for you, good! dont talk to me

“him”: im going to be done with you one way or another

Me: someone caring about another person even in friendship...has no conditions

“him”: fuck that

“him”: that leads to trouble

Me: and it's so fucking obvious that you don't give a fuck about me in any capacity

“him”: no now go

Me: guess what

Me: I no longer give a flying fuck for beggin anyone to just care about me. I found someone that just does!

Me: and in the end....you're gonna miss me far more than I am going to miss you because unlike you I know how to "have" a healthy relationship.

Me: I don't kick people out of my life ...off my doorstep......like YOU fucking DO.

Me: I came only to tell you I found what I've been looking for. I found it somewhere else. And I'm happy that I found it. I care about you as a friend. And if I have to read a long list of fucking rules before I can open my mouth to you ..then fuck it. That's a bunch of shit and not "good enough" for me. I'm too good for that shit.

“him”: im trying to have a decent relationship but you keep fucking with it always telling me how you feel about me.

“him”: i just got everything straight with pam yesterday and i dont need you to come around and fuck it up

“him”: now get the fuck out of my life PLEASE!!!!!

Me: There's no way in hell I can fuck up your relationship with her, you’re doing a great job of that all by yourself.

Me: no it's the other way around

Me: I don't want you in my life asshole

Me: that's all you are

Me: you never were my friend

Me: not ever

Me: not now

Me: not then

Me: it was always about your conditional bullshit

Me: your fucking rules

Me: you're fucking IFS

Me: fuck that

Me: and fuck you

Me: signed off 9:32 p.m

I'm not crying. I'm not even angry. I'm not feeling much of anything over this. Except for a bigger understanding of what I don't want.

10:04 p.m. ::
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