cluttering the net since 2001


Wednesday, May. 29, 2002
Today I just feel miserable. I feel so sick and so tired. My carís running like crap and Iím just plain ďfuzzyĒ. (my son, when he was a baby the doctor told me after he got a vaccination that he would be ďfuzzyĒ for awhile, he was Indian and husband and I looked at each other and it took awhile before we understood him) So today I am fuzzy just plain fuzzy.

Husbandís bringing me some medicine and something hot to drink. Itís so nice having a hardleg guy do nice things for you. ;-)

Last night I laid around on my vanilla couch and read ďBread Alone Ė Judith Ryan HendricksĒ. That book just plain makes me hungry!! She talks soo much about bread and food and sweets. Itís not a good book to read when youíre watching what youíre eating. But the book itself is so very very good. Itís a great book to lift your spirits.

Man my head is all stuffed up, my ears even hurt. My face hurts. Everything hurts. I hate this feeling I have because itís the onslaught feeling which means its going to get worse. Argh!! This means by Friday night Iíll be ready to die and thatís the concert night. Oh hell I gotta go get some Vitamin C or something. Ahh, Iíll just call husbandÖsee if he can get some Vitamin C too. YeahÖgood idea.

Ok back to my car. I just got notified by the I.R.S. that I figured out my taxes incorrectly and Iím now getting a fatter check that I ever expected. Iíve been saving my money and so because of these two things, I am going to be buying a new car soon. I have mixed feelings about this because I really dig my Prelude. Iím thinking that Iím either going to get a JEEP Wrangler or a newer Prelude. I lean more towards the Honda than the Jeep cause I just love my Prelude so much and have never had any problems with itÖ..

But it sucks!! Totally sucks that itís doing this shit now.

It waited until now, until I am hanging out with it and saving money and planning on getting something else. Now I am starting to have problems with the battery or something. Geesh. Yesterday husband had to come give my Prelude a jump start after work. This morning it just barely turned over and then started. Itís the battery/alternator or something. Itís too complicated to describeÖ Incidentally, thereís nothing sexier than watching him fix my car and come to my rescue. His butt looking all hot and stuff while he bends over the hood of my car. Thereís just nothing like that prince coming to the aid of the damsel in distress thing. mmmm

I just wish I could get past this constant doubt thing I am dealing with. Last night he went out to find a CD heís been looking for. I put ďBuckyĒ to bed, was reading that book and something inside me started to wonder where he was. Was he really where he said? God, I hate that feeling. And then I remind myself that he asked me to come back to him. We talked and talked and talked about that whole thing forever. If he didnít want me he wouldnít have done that. But then he has been known to do some awful things and I canít fool my brain into forgetting that.

The human psyche is a complicated thing. Then a little while later, while Iím reading in my pjís he comes home and he laid down beside me on the couch and we talked. Fingers entwined. I told him I wasnít feeling so good and he rubbed my face, my sinuses and stuff and it felt soo good. Later in bed he reached out for me, legs entwining, body heat. Sometimes just having somewhere there feels likeÖ..enough. Sometimes itís all just a blur. Sometimes Iím as confused as any one person can get.

Sometimes I wish I could start all over knowing everything I know now. Other times I donít want to go through it all again. Today I just want to crawl into bed, be held and drink tea. But I canít. Iím at work.

I really think Iím gonna look to buy a Honda Del Sol. Always wanted oneÖ. Damn my headís stuffed and Iím all over the place. I canít find that smooth flow of thought.

Lynda just gave me some Vitamin CÖ..yeahhhh!!! But fuck Iím just so FUZZY!!!!!!

9:29 a.m. ::
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