PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

the one all about glenn5

Monday, Oct. 18, 2004
Regarding my last post let me just state the following because I finally feel like I have to be open about this and truly truly get it all out. Next month will mark 4 years since this happened. 4 years...

In November of 2000 my ex-husband disappeared with my son who was 8 years old at the time. He told me he was going out to get dinner at Checkers. My son piped in stating he wanted to go along. They left the house shortly afterwards. I didn’t see either of them again for 21 days. In essence my now ex took my son to New York to have an affair. He didn’t tell me anything. The local police located him via his parents in Pennsylvania who themselves never told me anything. At the time I was distraught, suicidal and understandably very alone in the world.

It’s hard now to recall all the details and feelings and when I think of it it plays back like just a bad bad movie I saw once upon a time. In any event, I had an online friend at the time. Glenn5. He and I met in a chat room where people played music. Songs. He never spoke to me much in the beginning. Just played songs and dedicated them to me. It was odd at first. I can’t remember much about our conversations but like most internet things at one point he and I were very close. He was also unhappily married at the time and I of course was as well. I knew Glenn5 for about 6 months and then Thanksgiving rolled around and my son was gone and my then husband was off having an affair with a girl that had been at our wedding. I was a wreck and had no one and nothing. I have never been through anything before or since that will compare to that time in my life. That first night that my then husband disappeared Glenn5 stayed online talking to me all thru the night. He was a godsend. The only person that gave a shit whether or not I made it thru that night. He was simply there for me.

Unfortunately or oddly or whatever…glenn5 was very married. This should have mattered and it did matter but it didn’t matter like it should have. My now ex disappeared on a Saturday night. On Monday afternoon I was at work like a zombie and I got a phone call from glenn5 telling me that he was taking a flight out of Rhode Island and arriving in Tampa at I believe it was 4 p.m. I was alone and scared and worried and distraught and like I said very suicidal. This event was not the first in a long string but rather the worst in a nightmare series of events. (the event being my then husband disappearing with my 8 yr old son)

I went to the airport. Sure I should have not gone. I did try to make some lame attempt at telling him it was crazy and what about HIS WIFE??? BUT emotions run high and events happen and sometimes we just act on gut feeling. He did that. He took his wedding ring off, put it on the top of his refrigerator and then he jumped a plane. He did NOT tell his wife and he had two fairly young children at the time as well. She simply came home and found that he was gone. His friend Michael took him to the airport as he knew all about me as well.

I went to the airport in a daze. I was a mess worried about my son and I was all alone in Florida and had no one to talk to. I was frantic with worry and numb. Very numb emotionally and otherwise. I keep saying it but there’s no way for me to accurately tell anyone my mindframe at the time in my life. I was so beaten down mentally by years of abuse and lies that I was a shadow of my former self. I was hollow at best.

I went to the airport and he arrived. He nearly stumbled off of the plane. He was ghost white and shocked at his own behavior. Within hours he was regretting what he had done. But there were enough little events during that 23 hrs that he remained with me that sewed enough of my wounds together enough so that I found strength in the mere act that he displayed that much “care” for me..for ME as a person. Me who had not been loved or cared for in so very very long. Did glenn5 love me? No I don’t believe it was love. I believe we were both lost and looking for something anything to make it all a little bit better. I think he felt undesired in his own marriage….maybe for him it was a midlife crisis. I don’t know.

I only know that he got off of the plane and when I point blank asked him why he did what he did he stated something along the lines of “I wanted you to know that someone would do anything absolutely anything for you that just once you mattered to someone.” At that point in my life it was the most amazing thing that any other human being had done for me. I had never felt loved growing up. I had rarely felt anything “good” while being married and those statements he made saved me from myself. I had up until that point considered suicide to the point that I wrote out my will daily and I thought up ways to kill myself. Once he said those simple things to me, someone “could” love me? Wow what an amazing discovery.

There are those, his friend included, that believe it was a sex thing. That he merely came here to receive some sexual fun. It never happened. Nothing sexual happened. Yes I recall he hugged me. I recall he touched my hair and commented about it being pretty. More than that I recall his realization that his own thought that my then husband was insane for what he did to me ..and yet…and yet..he himself did the same basic thing to his own wife. He realized it, albeit too late.

I remember him frantically calling the airlines wanting to go back home. I remember he booked another flight and I dropped him back off at the airport the next morning. Yes he did sleep in my bed. He never held me. I recall the oddness of a strange man being in my bed. Strange yet this person I barely knew did for me what other’s I had given all my heart and soul to….he saved me.

He simply saved me.

It’s crazy to say that someone jumping a plane to tell you that you matter…to show you and prove it and do something insane to their own lives….could save me. But it did. I’ve gone thru several crazy crazy things since and I have to say that my fiancé opened his life to me and gave of himself in more amazing ways ‘after’ the glenn5 incident in my life. I will never ever forget the amazing night I met my fiancé. I will never forget how he stood there by me when my ex showed up. I will never forget how we rummaged thru that house with a flashlight to gather enough of my things for me to salvage my own life and move on. R has been there for me far longer than twenty some hours. But…but and yet…

Glenn5 he was…..and will remain one of those people that merely make me smile because once upon a time he did something crazy to his own life just to tell me I mattered and that life was worth living….even though he never said those things…they were there.

Glenn5 was two crazy trips across the bridge over tampa bay. He was a lot of tears of confusion and misguided feelings. To this day I cannot totally be mean or rude to him though I know it’s probably what I should do. I know his wife hates me and rightfully so. I captured something in him …enough of it …to make him take his wedding ring off, place it on top of the refrigerator and come to me. I didn’t ask him to. I didn’t know he was. He just acted on something within. I will never condone it. I can only say he saved me. He truly saved me.

If not for him..there would be no now. If not for that one act of craziness…who can say if I would have found the self worth and strength to get this far.

My life is happy. My life is good. It’s been hard won and I’ve paid dearly in some regards. I have regrets for glenn5’s wife and yet I cannot lie and say I do not care about his wellbeing. I wish him only good. After all I sorta owe him my life.

One act, one crazy act …walking out on a limb for another human being is something few people ever truly do.

He’s still married. They oddly now live in Florida, or so he says…. Rhode Island is where he used to live. It wasn’t about pussy or fucking or anything else like that. It wasn’t physical. It was two people who listened to each other.

A few months ago I was in an outlet store and that song…. “you will always be beautiful in my eyes.” Came on on the overhead radio. I stopped moving down the isle and I got melancholy for something from my past….just for a moment. And then I remembered that ghost white face…the way he sat down….

I’m sorry it hurt his wife…I cannot be held accountable for his actions. I’m still sorry for that. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to go it alone. I needed him. On that day…I needed him. After his visit I was steadfast and strong. I had this inner strength that I fed from. It was in his words becoming actions. It was and is impossible for anyone to understand or for me to explain.

He merely saved me and I needed saved. Period. If saving someone else that way is bad….its hard for me to get that. Every now and then he contacts me. He asked for my password to my diary. I felt there was no harm in it.

For a long time I was ashamed of this, but I did nothing wrong. I needed to matter to someone before I could truly matter to myself. He helped me matter.

In the last 4 years I have forgiven the girl in New York that my then husband had the affair with. We are even on friendly terms. She recently sent me a card with a savings bond that was my sons in it that she found hidden in her garage. (the ex-husbands handy work!!!) People say I’m crazy to speak to her. Why? He lied to her…misled her..we both know what kind of creep he is. She’s apologized. I don't hold a grudge and sometimes I actually would have preferred HER to be my son's stepmother rather than the monster he has now. Oh live and learn...live and learn...

I write this here now because I know he and or his friend Michael will read my words here today. I want to tell his wife Stephanie that I’m sorry for whatever pain I’ve caused her and I want her to know that he held me and let me cry..but mostly I was numb and there was no physical contact. He nor I ever took clothes off. I’m sorry…I’m truly sorry for what it caused her. But …like I’ll say yet again..she’s lucky..she has a man that cared about a stranger enough to “save” them. It’s not right what he did…and yet he did it for right reasons. Oh life is not always clear….not always easy…not always black and white. This wasn’t either. To glenn5…thank you…you’ll never know just how much you really did because of that one crazy act. Thank you..thank you… I wote this and ended up wiping tears because what you did was amazing...amazingly crazy and wrong in some eyes but in my heart there remains fragments of that lost abused girl you saved and she is thankful you came along when you did.

-PoeticaL
7:36 p.m. ::
prev :: next