goodbye trace

Tonight after work and after class I went to the beach and put some flowers in the ocean. Roses....white...12.... I will miss Tracy. She was my friend. I never talked about her here because she asked me not to, she didn't want certain people to find her new diary so I never linked her, aknowledged her....or talked about her here.

The last email I still have in my inbox from her...read...

From: "tracy"
To: "PoeticaL GirL"
Subject: Re: hey its me
Date: Wed, 19 Mar 2003 12:04:54 -0500

things have really come full circle for you. you have rick who loves you for who you are and you have your constant, brad who loves you for what you are going to become with his help. both respect you and care for you and you are going to end up with both in your life, a happy medium. i am so happy for you. who knew it would end up so perfectly? brad is your touchstone in so many ways. there is no way he could be parted from you. and you and rick are on a journey now to discovering each other.

you are a lucky girl. indeed.

~~~~~

June 17, 2003
Dear Tracy,

Today I had to say goodbye to you. So many things I never got to say first. I never got to ask you what your favorite flower was. I never got to drive up and visit you like we said that someday I would. I never even talked about how much your friendship meant to me because I never could admit it to myself. I'm the girl that doesn't trust other girls. I'm the girl that doesn't let them ever get close to me. Or so I thought....

Today I thought about all the times you were the first person to hug me, and yet that hug by most peoples standards wasn't real. I thought about how propping broomsticks in windows for ventilation is dangerous to one's wellbeing but I'll never do it without hoping a boy comes through the window to do dangerously romantic things to me. I thought about how you were the only person to ever understand things I said without judging me and seeing where I went wrong. You always pointed out all my right turns, even if I was going left.

You never knew how special you were to me, how many times I leaned on you and knew that you would never break under the weight of all my sorrows, because you always replied with the perfect understanding, the perfect stream of words. You never knew that I would have taken all of your anquish away in a quick second if only god granted wishes on demand. You never knew I loved you, I loved that you were so special and never knew it. I loved that because it was raw and real and nothing about you was ever fake.

Dear Tracy

I know in heaven you dance on
yellow brick sidewalks
you sleep on clouds
your former tears are now
dreams coming true
falling with every raindrop
for a lost soul who is now
where you no longer are

You always wanted to be loved by someone
who could see you for how special you truly are
I loved you that way but I doubt you ever knew it
because my hugs for you were always too far

you finally found your way
you are the brightest star
I know you are an angel now
you were just here to practice
it was in everything you said to me
for every future winged one
you have raised the bar

you were always in my heart
out of nowhere you became my friend
you will always be remembered
because within my soul
you will never end

Goodbye Trace...I love you.