the one where I hang myself out to dry

For three days I have been unable to breath. One night b.f. was super sweet enough to get me some Benadryl allergy medicine after his shift at work. This helped more than anything else I�ve tried. I am miserable. Sinus headaches so big I want to slice my face wide open just to try to breath normally�.

This morning the mailman brought me a herb mixture and told me to snort it up my nose. It was green and not powdery but rather looked like a herb mixture for on top of my chicken. I snorted it..coughed�gagged�about died from the burning sensation and then blew my nose as instructed and now I can breath. Do you hear me? I can NOW breath. Ahhh relief.

Last night while drugged up on half a dose of leftover Zoloft and probably too much Benadryl for any one human being, I asked b.f. if he was planning to clean up the apartment at all the next day (today..since he�s off every Thursday and Friday.) I was already feeling icky and just the place is a mess. It�s literally a mess. It needs vacuumed and swept and the kitchen floor needs mopped, the dishes I washed 3 days ago were still sitting in the drainer. And there were a brand new batch of dirty food encrusted dishes lying all over the kitchen counters. It was all getting under my skin and yet I felt like sinus shit so I didn�t much want to deal with it. And typical depressive/anger mode kicks in. Needless to say I ended up throwing a cup on the floor (the clatter breaking sound always sounds so good when I�m all agitated like that and yet�yet�it�s so destructively bad of me)

I brought up the fact that no one else in that apartment put the clean dishes away even and I was told �that�s because their still dirty�. Either way�living with twin brothers is not easy. Two men dumping socks on the floor and putting dishes in the sink with food residue etc. still on them, dirty clothes on the bathroom floor� I cleaned the entire apartment last weekend�you could never tell it now. It�s an endless chore and I never feel like I accomplish much of anything there. Never mind my dirty panties piling up on the bathroom vanity..this is my entry and I�m whining and not talking about me, but at least the dog isn�t eating them anymore..eh?

I know b.f. will read this and say �what about your dirty panties and YOUR dirty dishes and YOUR dirty badass mood swings?� Yah he�s right. I suck. I�m overwrought with anxiety and depression and pure fear. Every argument makes me wonder� and then the abandonment issues crop up and freak me out and I can�t deal with the wave of emotions that I feel and so it all show�s itself like anger. Pure red-hot violent anger.

I didn�t however hit anyone and I was able to stop myself shortly after the rage hit me. I hate feeling all those emotions and not knowing how and what to do with them. I need to come up with an extra $150 to go back to the shrink and get a regular prescription. As if the added stress of money doesn�t add to the anxiety attacks. Furthermore, yah I have a slight addiction to ebay..but at least it�s not an illegal drug I�m chucking money out for. Nevermind that most of my clothes are too big.

Do you believe b.f. said to me �I think you�re just buying bigger clothes..you�re not losing weight.� Ha! As if. Those are the irritable comments that set me right off the edge. I mean, I�ve slipped off the no carb deal and have been eating whatever I want, but considering I eat about once a day it hasn�t caught up to me yet. However, today I am back on track. I had scrambled eggs, 2 slices of bacon and about 42 ounces of water so far today. I�m doing ok. I�m just all over the road.

As soon as I fix one thing in my life, something else comes off the track. Argh..when do things get easy? When will they just flow like water in the ocean, simple and easily.

I think if I were a stay at home wife/mother I would do nothing but scrub and clean and cook and be housewifely..and I wouldn�t expect anyone else to clean, cook or scrub or pick up chloe doggie poop. But since we all work outside of the apartment I think we all need to pitch in and clean the place up. It�s only fair�

I better shut up..I�m probably in a world of trouble already�

-PoeticaL