PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

happy new year 07!

Sunday, Dec. 31, 2006
First and foremost……Reason #876,321,009.112.876,534,321,110 I pick Rick….he let me watch the 2006 Quill Book Awards when the Tampa Bay Buc’s were playing on another channel and Poker Championships were on another. IE: He missed two shows for me to watch Judy Blume announce a winner….and Julie Powell act like an asshat when interviewed by Al Roker. She’s seriously sad…and what an ugly dress she had on. Ugly!!!

Secondly…the doctor’s visit. Here’s the scoop. I will be scheduled for another D&C within the month of January sometime to see if there are any pre-cancerous cells still present. I will also be taking more of the lovely drug I’ve been on. If there are no more pre-cancerous cells….then we can speak about fertility drugs. If there are pre-cancerous cells present…we will then be debating a hysterectomy. Either way I am strongly desiring health and resolution to the entire matter. Resolution would be good.

Thirdly I would like to say I have accepted that I am going to be an Aunty and that this is a blessing for everyone involved….despite it’s painful side affects. I am realizing that my life is nothing if not blessed. I am a lucky girl to have all that I have. There is also a huge part of me that realizes that I am on the homestretch of raising my son….if he were a turkey (and he’s not!) his timer button would be nearly about to pop up. I’m not sure I want to be watching a child graduate from college when I am 60!! I have made the pro’s/cons list in my head and I have to admit it’s nearly even. On an emotional want level it’s all on the side of Rick and I having a family of our own…a child of our own. On the logical realistic side of life….it’s all on the side of not having more children.

On the pro side: Rick and I have a baby…how could anything be any sweeter? Seriously, I love my husband and wonder what life we will build without a child between us. Not that our life is bad now..it’s absolutely not. Its just sometimes hollow for me to be married and not be able to share parenthood with him.

On the con side: late nights..no sleep….more expense… no traveling in my old age….responsiblity…the rest of my adult life dedicated to another child….no enjoying my middle ages….daycare….pre-school….Halloween costumes to put together…diapers….dried up formula bottles…blah blah blah….I’ve been there done that. (the only thing that kills me with this train of thought….Rick hasn’t….refer to pro side now…)

I honestly just really want to be healthy and move on emotionally from this.

I can’t not mention that my doctor noticed a much better outcome in my menses when I was taking that longass list of vitamins that a few people emailed me to tell me was worthless. Hmm….doctors words were “I’m not a holistic doctor but keep doing whatever you did in Sept and Oct and and forget November because those months were perfect. What did I quit doing? I quit taking my long list of vitamins. What have I begun to do again? Started taking the vitamins again.

Lastly…this is New Year’s Eve and I must say I have only one New Year’s Resolution and that is the same one I’ve had for several years now. Be happy….in all that I do find joy….simply be happy.

I have also decided to finally read “Infinite Jest” by David Foster Wallace.

I think if I manage to be happy and finally conquer that book….it will be a good year.

Passing math in Jan would make me very happy all year.


2:11 p.m. ::
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