cluttering the net since 2001

Happy 4th of July

Thursday, Jul. 04, 2002
I remember September 12th.. I remember laying on my bed on the phone. It was so surreal. Everything felt like anything could be possible. The good the bad the worst than death. I remember talking to “him” and feeling so lucky I had someone in my life like that that I could talk to like that. I remember he was at work. I was at home. I remember what I had on. Jean shorts with my blue joules t. I remember and I smile.

And then everyone ran out and bought stickers. Lots of stickers. Red and white. And some had blue too. And I remember how everything felt sticky. I remember the panic about BraN and his email and how I was so glad he was in England and not in America. Where horrible things just happened. And then I saw all the books come out. The media. The way the world collected money to help not so deserving people get rich. I think about all the children that will never have parents.

I remember lying on my bed on the phone. I remember that christmas called husband. From Illinois somewhere. Bitch. I remember all the nasty things she said to me when my child was there with her. How mean she was. I remembered then all the reasons I had to hate her. But it was September 12th and bad things just happened and I couldn’t even hate her.

I remember the news. All the people talking about America being united. All the red and blue and sometimes even white. I remember thinking about what dust must surely feel like collecting in your lungs in large doses. I remember feeling helpless. I remember lying on my bed on the phone. I remember not saying a word. I remember wanting to talk to people, find answers. I remember everyone talking at fast speeds about death and destruction and war. I remember that everyone wanted to know everything there was to know. I remember stickers on cars, on windows, pictures of symbols on roads and on everything. I remember the sky having stripes, or was that just an illusion after awhile.

I remember September 12th like it was yesterday. I drove past car lots and shopping malls and I drive now down roads and I see stickers and blank faces and memories lost. I see people whipping each other the finger and driving too fast. I see mothers hitting their children and telling them they’re not good enough. I see people going to jail for stealing from each other and murdering cheating spouses. I read all about a girl that got kidnapped and later killed. Blonde hair. She was so pretty for a little girl. We’re a nation of stickers that can’t say it’s own pledge. We’ve let our children learn violence but stole the allegiance. I see all of this and I remember September 12th. I remember lying on the bed talking on the phone. I remember my shorts and my shirt and my heartbeat in my hair. I remember he didn’t say anything and I kept breathing and that was enough. Enough to be there. It was enough to just not be alone. I remember the silence and the peace and the want for so much more in the world. I remember people hugging and crying and reaching out to each other. I remember frustrations and anger and everyone looking for something. I remember broadcasts and pictures and I cried rivers to oceans. I remember sitting in silence and feeling the stillness of absence of motion.

I remember the eleventh but I wish for the 12th when it sunk in and the changes took effect. When people reached out and they loved beyond measure. When lonely was killed by the need for together. When love felt impossible to squander and more plenty than air. I just wish everyone else would remember because I didn’t forget.

Peel off your stickers and lay down your charms.
Reach back to your memory and embrace it for long
Love those around you and never forget
We’re a country at war, we haven’t won yet
And when you think you can’t think about it anymore
Remember its your own freedom, its worth fighting for.
Reach out to your neighbor and look him eye to eye
We’re a nation strong, stronger if we try
I love you America! Happy 4th of July
5:23 a.m. ::
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