PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

where does happy hide?

Friday, Apr. 19, 2002
It’s almost midnight. BraN called me at 5:31 p.m. at work today. He just tracked my ass down until I couldn’t escape, and I left work, he called me back on my cell and I cried my eyes out telling him everything and then tonight Delboy called me. 3 weeks after the fact of the main problem and I cried my eyes out to him.

Bottom line is….

I’m pretty fucking miserable right now with every aspect of my life except for motherhood and my marriage. I’ve worked so hard and done everything right and I just can’t figure out for the life of me what I’m consistently doing wrong.

Tonight talking to Delboy, I started to cry 3 times because he has a way of spitting out the truism’s to me about myself that I can’t hide from.

Last night I talked with "him", it was a conversation full of leftover lies and lost “once what might have been’s”. Midway through I decided to cop an excuse and I hung up. It’s so past time to just be done with that chapter of my story.

In the last 48 hours the only person I’ve talked to that made me feel ok about things was Josh. So Josh….thanks. Thanks for being able to provide me that fix that no one else can and I owe ya.

I’m just spinning right now with a thousand thoughts…..and nothing makes too much clear and concise sense. It sucks to know exactly what you want and be told you can't have it. It sucks to know what would make you happy but still not ever obtain it. It just all sucks. I have it all figured out now and so what? It still doesn’t matter.

And now I never get any email anymore. The Internet world is funny. You get back as much as you put forth and if you give nothing you get nothing. ie: email…. *sigh* Wait…halt….I take that back…I just got a kewl email from Josh….twice now Josh….thanks!

I’m just so lost tonight I feel like an echo of a song that I used to want to sing but forgot the words to. I’m just humming and wishing I could remember them….

Two other things to address Mr/Mrs guestbook writer, I’m not lying to anyone about anything and…..I’m also not daydreaming. I am admittedly lost about why I can’t grasp a hold of happiness. I believe it has nothing to do with my husband or anyone else. It’s a problem within…. And know what? Fuck you whoever you are for being judgmental of me and not admitting who you are. You are a “lie”!

-PoeticaL
12:31 a.m. ::
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