PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

hardcore reality

Monday, Jan. 24, 2005
Despite my schedule and despite my stresses I can still sit and enjoy the warmth of the sun on my shoulder. And itís amazing how much schoolwork I can get done in just 3 hours. Amazing.

It also amazes me how many people donít step back and look at their lives and what they are living. It amazes me how many people canít see things that they are doing to themselves. This reminds me of the time the shrink asked me, ďWhy is it that your ex-husband did all of those horrible things to you?Ē I went off on a tangent about how he was a dick and did dick things and was a psychopathic personality and didnít know how to care about anyone but himself. I went on to include his dismissive ways when it came to authority and how his losing jobs and blowing off his true responsibilities to his family for the sake of his personal wishes and needs caused tons of problems for me. Finally the shrink stopped me and said, ďNo Kristy itís much simpler than all of that. He did those things to you because you LET him do them.Ē

IÖI let him do them? Hmm how could I argue that?

Once I had a boss (not a current boss, but one that I had for 3 years awhile back) who told me that you attract what you are. That you will always be surrounded with people that are a certain way because you are that certain way yourself. Ahh so in other words if Iím angry and wicked evil etc, then I will attract angry wicked people? I was pissed at him for days for saying such a thing to me after an argument with my then wicked angry husband. But years later that statement has remained as Iíve seen the evolution of my life into something else.

I am a fulltime employee, I have a part time job, I am a full time student and I am a mother. I am now surrounded by like minded people. I used to be angry and distant and unable to be affectionate without truly working at it. (yes I still work on this oneÖ) I see a marked difference now.

I now seek happy well-balanced people with things going on for themselves. Goals, ideas, plans. I want to one day own a home again. I want to one day have all the time in the world to spend with my son. I want to move up in my career. I seek individuals that have real life advise and experiences to share with me. And yet I donít have to seek. Once I made the decision that enough was enough things changed. Once I decided that I didnít want to have turmoil in my relationship, the turmoil dissipated. Sure we still banter and argue and I believe that is a part of our relationship that is rather good and comical at times. We argue about whom did what last but itís all in jest and causes no harm.

My way of living changed when my way of thinking did. Often I forget just how miserable it was the other way. And then something reminds me. I think Iím going to drop that old boss an email and thank him for being so hardcore, at least thatís what I thought at the time.

-PoeticaL
11:21 a.m. ::
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