cluttering the net since 2001


Wednesday, May. 19, 2004
Sometimes I wish more people were approachable. Mostly I wish people didnít just watch me from afar. Sometimes I receive messages that are unexpected and sometimes I wish I didnít expect nor want contact. Most of the time I find that I am trying too hard and being too easy on others when I should be less hard on myself and more demanding of things from others. But then that feels backwards and I stop mid-sentence instead ofÖ

There are too few moments in my day where I do exactly what I want to do and most of the time someone complains about what I am not doing. I find that I think about things too much and rarely make a definitive decision about anything. I just agonize over it all.

I have had the same set of goals for so long I should wipe my slate clean and admit to myself that Iíll never do those things and perhaps its because I really donít want to. I sometimes wish I could tell people how stupid they are being and how that person they want to love isnít who they love nor is that person loving them back enough to make it really love. Sometimes I should look in a mirror and tell myself that same sentiment.

I know who I want to be and I think sometimes I know who I am. I rarely like both at the same time enough to mesh into peacefully being.

When I donít read and/or write, when I am not into these things I am very lost inside. When I lose myself I just want to chuck it all and die. I grasp at these things that breath life into me so that others donít have to patch up the holes in my damaged heart. Iím heartbroken every day. I used to think that feeling would go away, and then I willed it to go away. Now I realize I have to walk around it and exist despite of it.

You think you like me, but do you know me? Do you know how I feel? Do you know what I really think about? Do you bother to ask? Do you bother to find out? Do you rejoice in my triumphs? Do you gather and pray when I fall?

9:54 p.m. ::
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