PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

heartbroken

Wednesday, May. 19, 2004
Sometimes I wish more people were approachable. Mostly I wish people didn�t just watch me from afar. Sometimes I receive messages that are unexpected and sometimes I wish I didn�t expect nor want contact. Most of the time I find that I am trying too hard and being too easy on others when I should be less hard on myself and more demanding of things from others. But then that feels backwards and I stop mid-sentence instead of�

There are too few moments in my day where I do exactly what I want to do and most of the time someone complains about what I am not doing. I find that I think about things too much and rarely make a definitive decision about anything. I just agonize over it all.

I have had the same set of goals for so long I should wipe my slate clean and admit to myself that I�ll never do those things and perhaps its because I really don�t want to. I sometimes wish I could tell people how stupid they are being and how that person they want to love isn�t who they love nor is that person loving them back enough to make it really love. Sometimes I should look in a mirror and tell myself that same sentiment.

I know who I want to be and I think sometimes I know who I am. I rarely like both at the same time enough to mesh into peacefully being.

When I don�t read and/or write, when I am not into these things I am very lost inside. When I lose myself I just want to chuck it all and die. I grasp at these things that breath life into me so that others don�t have to patch up the holes in my damaged heart. I�m heartbroken every day. I used to think that feeling would go away, and then I willed it to go away. Now I realize I have to walk around it and exist despite of it.

You think you like me, but do you know me? Do you know how I feel? Do you know what I really think about? Do you bother to ask? Do you bother to find out? Do you rejoice in my triumphs? Do you gather and pray when I fall?

-PoeticaL
9:54 p.m. ::
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