PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

he gave me my...10

Tuesday, Aug. 13, 2002
don’t miss yesterday’s entry…

me: today though I almost started to cry at work ...it was close
me: this morning ..this guy I work with
me: I've been pretty quiet lately
t: ok
me: cause when I have tons of stuff on my mind......get quiet
t: right
me: so someone says "wow k you haven't said a word in like 3 hours"
me: and I"m like "ok so enjoy it already"
t: ok
me: he says "she's probably over there wondering when husband is coming back with the hamburgers"
me: I got up and walked out
me: that stuffs just not kewl
t: no it isn't
t: the was pretty dickish really
me: ya know what.... when husband first came back with Bucky
me: the following monday Bucky was supposed to go back to school
me: and I went to work before they left the house
t: yep
me: and called the school to make sure he showed up
me: and it was 11 a.m. and still he wasn't there
me: I just freaked
me: walked right out of work and went looking for my kid
t: i know babe
t: understable...
me: i get halfway home and he's calling me on my cellphone saying "hey Bucky's just sick...he's gonna stay with me at work"
t: ok
me: i was all like 'i don't care if his heads falling off..he's going to school and that was the deal.."
me: like it took me months not to follow to him around making sure he wasn't taking off
t: ok
t: understandable
me: so someone says stuff like that and all those feelings come right to the surface
me: and so sometimes when I say I just want to book...I'm tired of worrying about stuff I can't control
t: *hugs*
me: just like...I get so far away from it all and think I'm doing better...or at least ok and then some jerk says one thing and I wanna go throw up somewhere
t: *more hugs*....
t: are you ok?
me: its ok...just one of those things
me: yeah i'm ok
me: i'm always ok
me: i'm sorry I didn't mean to...like...
t: good.....becasue I dont want you to be hurting
me: just a lot of stuff t
t: I know babe...
me: put on this straight face...hold stuff in and try so hard to be tough and then someone wants to come mess with you
t: yep
me: i walked out and I didn't say anything .... and then it feels ten times as hard to be all tough again
t: people are dicks sometimes
me: i really doubt you wanan hear this stuff..
t: it is ok babe...if you need to talk
me: i never plan on saying anything like this to you and it just always happens
me: then I feel like I’m dumpnig stuff on ya
t: no you are not
me: sometimes I wonder if its just not gonna hurt anymore someday
me: like some magical day I'll wake up and stuff won't get to me like that
t: nope...
t: it is hard
me: sometimes I think about you... and I think you need to find some happy girl to tell you jokes...

at this point he called me on the phone…(2 cents a minute calling my cell via the Internet!!) …saying “are you ok?” asking why in the world I would think he needed someone to tell him jokes…. His voice….his face looking right at me….he hands pressing his headphones to his ears trying with all his might to hear my every word across a 7,000 mile connection of tangled wires….saying “just a couple more months baby…just a couple more months…”

remember this exchange from on the 12th?

me: t... if all I ever wanted in life was ten cents and you had five in your pocket....would you give me all five?

t: yes

me: thats all I want

me: i want to give you everything I have to give knowing that you would do that in return

t: I want to give you more than I have

Last night over the phone lines ‘t’ told me with a big giant smile on his face…that our very first 4 ½ minute telephone conversation earlier cost him exactly a dime…..
8:01 a.m. ::
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