cluttering the net since 2001


Tuesday, May. 06, 2003
Lately I have been hesitant about writing. Hesitant about being misunderstood. Hesitant about hurting my boyfriend because of anything I have going on in my head. But it's slowly driving me nutso. I'm so used to writing and using that as an outlet for my frustrations and stress. I don't know but I wonder if he understands that I'm depressed. I don't think most people know what that means. It means that even though I want to be happy I can't just "be" happy. It means that things worry me and scare me and torture me beyond belief. It means that more than anything I need him to hold me, hug me, tell me I'm ok. I need to feel him next to me and not feel like he's trying to avoid me. I'm not dissapointed in him. I'm merely in love with him and fearful that everything that's happening in my life is going to destroy us. Ever since we moved into our own apartment things have been shaky at best. We have a tough time merely being. I tend to think I'm the problem. I think that I'm mostly sad and distant about my son and the fact that he's elsewhere. Rick says I should get him more often and I could, I admit to having avoided it because of two things. Money and mostly...I cry for at least an hour everytime he walks out of here. I watch the back of his head and I feel the huge vacancy in my heart growing vast and it kills me. It kills me to walk back into an empty apartment where nothing of my son exists. There are no toys, no greasy handprints on the glass, no kiddo messes, nothing. He's here and I'm estatic and then he's gone and I'm maddened with grief. I know I need to cope with it and I know that this is more than just about my son. Its about me. I feel lost. I feel like I lost so much and no matter what I try to do there's this gaping hole in my heart. I think to call him and then I don't because his little boy voice comes on the line and he rambles on and I hear nothing but "and then Mommy we.... and my heart translates this into "and then Mommy while you missed me I was busy not missing you." I know that kids don't think like this, but this doesn't change the fucked up things that shoot through me. I am trying so hard to let these things go but I have a right to these feelings. I have a right to feel however I feel. I just have to find a way to cope so that it doesn't kill me.

I rarely express these things to Rick because when I try, when I think of them, I push the sadness and grief down because the last thing I want is constant sadness and grief. And then I just want him to hold me. And while I want him to hold me he's pulling away from me because he just doesn't see these things. And truly how can anyone just see these things? I am a mass of confusion and I sometimes wonder if I would win the lottery and then just cry because I couldn't imagine how I was going to pay the taxes. I don't know. I'd like to think that I know how to be happy but sometimes I wonder. I have these amazing days, like the other day when Rick and I went swimming and he was chasing me underwater and I just felt like I was a kid again and nothing else mattered but the blue water and the sunny skies. I was so free, so joyous, so happy. When he wore those shades and grinned at me because I couldn't see "his looks", that connection he and I have, its so much to me.

And then last night I watched him sleeping, his breathing ragged and I just wanted to crawl inside of him and keep parts of him so that I never lost him. I have lost so much, I try to believe that I'm not afraid of losing him, but I am. It's not this huge screaming fear, its more of a nagging fear. When things are difficult, and c'mon at best my situation would be difficult on anyone, starting a new relationship has got to be difficult for Rick. Boy meets girl, girl has cute eyes, girl says she's sad, and then all she does is cry alot. Seems to me that if I were him I might go insane. I wish I could simply look around at everything I now have and let go of the past, but it's always there, never so evident as when my son is here and then in a flash of a few hours...he's gone again.

Everytime I try to explain myself and make things better again, I end up feeling angry and frustrated and then I just close off inside. I try to protect my heart, its so shattered and its already trying to heal from a lifetime of hurts. I know I have to let it all go, I know this....I just need time. I need time, support and understanding.

The only sure thing I know is that if I somehow fuck this up, this love, this time.... I will never find another man like Rick. I will never find someone so giving, so patient, so him. I will never forgive myself. I believe we can make it, if we do it together.

1:37 a.m. ::
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