cluttering the net since 2001

how to fix something that's not broken, but might fall?

Tuesday, Jan. 27, 2004
Someone with the user name douche- added me to their list. That's funny to me for some reason...there's only a few entries there so I can't tell much...

so....today I got to do a bunch more stuff at work. I actually worked the day away. I so love having my own key because there's no need to wonder if someone else will be there to let me in in the morning if it's drizzling and I want to go in where it's warm. It's also nice because they have shown me already that they trust me. It's a quiet and uneventful type of job though. I can see that already. I just sit and task away. There's no chit chat going on...there's no comings and goings. It's all rather laid back. Of course this leads to absolutely no headaches or crapola. It's just pure silence and calm. Very Zenlike.

After work tonight I went to the bookstore...where else? There was a writing group there and they were reading their stories outloud. I mingled around that area trying to not look too suspicious. I wanted to hear what was going on. There was a lot of praise going around the table...not too much real criticism. They need a few of those nasty diarylanders to hang around and sign their imaginary guestbooks eh? lol

Then I went to see BF at work. Things have been rocky...not just latey but probably for the last 6 months or more. We have such a damn hard time trusting our love. I question him when he's not questioning me and vice versa and we're rarely ever on the same page. Then we talk and talk and argue and back to talking and then kissing and I love you's and then it's calm again and then back to the talk and talk and argue and ...blah....!! It bother's him that I have male friends. It bothers him that they call me on my cellphone. My friend Bry calls. This other guy JR keeps calling me even though I tried saying "no thanks." I'm not good at being mean to people. But I'm quickly getting there. I try to buffer the fact that I have friendships because I know it hurts BF but then the buffering makes me look sneaky to him as well. Last night I was in the bathroom talking to my son getting ready to take a hot bath and BF's looking into the bathroom I guess wondering who I was talking to. Later tonight he says "Why do you have to go into another room to talk to your son?" I was just in there running bath water. Not hiding anything. But I understand it too...because there's this girl where he works...a few times when I've gone there to pick him up from work we've had to wait for her car to warm up and she's a friend of his. Now I know that there's nothing going on, but I just left a relationship where there was infidelity and tons of lies so watching my BF leaning against my truck talking to some other girl...it makes my stomach do flip flops. It bothers me. I'm much more highly sensitive to this stuff now. I was never jealous or posessive before. BF's girlfriends in the past have also cheated on him. Every last one of them has. So...here's me trying to trust him and not let the past bother me...there's him trying to trust me and not let the past bother him....and add to that that I don't have GIRLfriends...just guy pals. What a nightmare. Truth be known I have never cheated on him. Despite the stupid online rumour and talk and inuendo that I have. I haven't. I talk to Bry alot. He's my best friend. We've never met. He's in TX I'm in FL. We're just friends. Lately I've been interacting with devian here at diaryland, again we're just friends and have found that we have things in common. Devian likes boys...I'd have to be more worried he was talking to me to get to my boyfriend than anything else. teeheee...just kidding dev..I know you're in love and committed over there!

So....I'm talking to BF tonight and I'm frustrated almost yelling at him "I love you if I didn't and didn't want to be here I'd pick up my stuff and be gone. I'm not gone, I drove here to tell you I love you." He's shaking his head telling me it's not been working out....my chest is starting to ache just listening to his words....and I'm seeing the outside edges of my world turning black like I might pass out and I'm trying to stay calm and find the answers. How the fuck do you take two people so bruised by past loves and heal them together? I'm so afraid of waking up and finding him gone...empty sheets, more regrets, more confusion. I know I can't take that, not now not ever.

There's more...but nothing I can put into words. It's too complex. How do I explain what's wrong when I don't have the answers. If I had them I'd fix it. I love him and I hate that he gets hurt and maybe the worst part is I could go sit in a closet all day and night, but would that take away anyone's fears?

9:19 p.m. ::
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