PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

hush little....don't say a word...daddy's...

Monday, Jan. 17, 2005

This entry just might be the hardest one I’ve ever written.  Two years ago when I met the man he and I of course discussed our pasts and things that had happened to us, experiences we had, prior relationships.  He was very open with me, and I did the same in return.  He told me about a relationship that he had and the in’s and out’s of that relationship.  She had a man she was living with and she told him she wasn’t sleeping with him and that it was over.  They eventually made plans to get their own place and she even went with him and signed a lease for an apartment.  She then told him she was pregnant and that the baby was not his but rather was the man’s she lived with.  Then backed out and he was left to live out the lease and pay all of the bills there himself.

 

He told me about this when we first met.

 

Last night we decided to go out and grab something to eat at the nearby IHOP.  We go there a lot because they’re open late and because we both seem to love to eat breakfast food at anytime of the day.

 

When we walked in there was a girl holding a toddler at the front checkout area.  He nudged me and told me “there’s that girl..there’s that girl.”  It took me just a moment to put two and two together and why did it not take me longer than that?  Because…because the little girl this woman was holding was a tiny little spitting image version of my fiancé.  She had blond curly hair and her facial bone structure was that of his.  A little upturned nose and her eyes, the lines of her face…she was a mini him.  I got a feeling that came over me that I will never succeed in describing here or anywhere.  It was this mixture of awe and want to be closer to her, to look longer, to examine.  And then came this feeling that this was so similar to what I myself had lost.  Was my child with him a girl or a boy?  Was my child..could my child have looked this much like him?  It was like watching someone holding what I could never hold.  What I have been unsuccessful at providing for him, even though for the last 2 years he and I have made love numerous times. 

 

The hostess came and sat us.  He was facing her at the front of the restaurant, I was looking at his ghostly white face.  I asked him if he was going to say something to her….he nodded no.  I then asked him, “If  I follow her outside are you going to be upset with me?”  He said, “No, you can do what you want.”

 

She went outside and I followed her.  She was putting her little girl in a carseat in the back of the car on the opposite side of the car.

 

Me: Hi, sorry to bother you, I realize you don’t know me, but do you know Richard _ _ _ _ _ _?

 

Her: Yes, I know him.

 

Me:  Is that his child?

 

Her:  No

 

Me: Listen I know I wasn’t there and I have no idea what happened, but he and I are going to get married and I need to know, is that his baby?

 

Her: No, I told him already that it’s not.  Her father made me get a paternity test and I told him already that it’s not his.

 

Me:  That’s fine, I just..she looks like him….don’t you think she looks just like him?”

 

Her: No..it’s not his.

 

Me: Ok, ok….*head down..fighting tears* but you were sleeping with two men, you weren’t telling her supposed father about Rick.

 

Her: Its more complicated than that.

 

Me: I think that’s his baby

 

Her: It’s not, I told you her real father made me get a test

 

Me: But you never showed Rick that test…you just said……and you saying something doesn’t mean it can be believed

 

Her: It’s not his.

 

Me: Ok…if you say so, but he and I are getting married and if whoever is providing for your daughter now up and decides to bail on you, don’t come knocking on my door looking for Rick then because I’ll slam the door in your face because it will be too late then

 

Her: Yah, ok

 

Me: I’m sorry for bothering you, I wasn’t there…I don’t know anything….I just know he has a right to know if he’s your childs father

 

Her: He’s not.

 

Me: You know he would take responsibility for her, he’d do the right thing, you do know that right?

 

Her: Yes, I know that..he’s a good guy, a nice guy.

 

Me: Trust me I KNOW that….I’m going to marry him…

 

And then she opened the door on her side of the car and I looked at that little girls face one last time and her curly blond hair….and her eyes….and I saw the same face of the man I am going to marry.

 

I walked away fighting tears.  I went back into the restaurant and sat down opposite that very same face again.  And there were no words.  I had no words.  I merely repeated the conversation and tried hard not to cry.

 

This little girl is nearly 3 years old and has never known him….even if he is her father, she doesn’t know him to be that.  And the confusion sets in…last night….I was overcome with grief, for that baby…..the one that I myself lost.  The same one that I myself can’t give him.  And I want to find that woman and hurt her…make her provide proof of something, anything…..something so that he and I don’t have to forever wonder.

 

I’m amazed that I did not grab her and go ballistic.  I wanted to grab that child and take her to the nearest hospital and demand a paternity test.  I wanted to grab her and place her in his arms and let him really look at her.

 

Oh god, how you have to be careful what you wish for.  If he pushed the issue…he could end up paying back due child support for 3 years and for a child that might never know him as Daddy.  For a child that she may up and leave the state with.

 

My gut feeling tells me….it’s his.  She’s his.  And it breaks my heart that he’s not been allowed to be her father.  This same gut feeling is the same one I had when I first met my ex-next door neighbor and she left.  That first day….the first time we met…and I turned around and told my then husband, “She so wants to fuck you!”  And he said, “nah…no she doesn’t.”  And they’re now married.  She wanted to fuck him….I was right…she ended up fucking an entire family.

 

My gut feelings have never been wrong. This situation breaks my heart because I can’t make it better for him.  It further breaks my heart because no matter what I have done, I have not been able to conceive and carry a child for him.

 

In my inner heart I hate her for having….for my thinking with little doubt…that she has what I want so badly and she won’t and hasn’t shared with him.  And I highly doubt that she paid all of that money to have that baby tested.  It’s not his name on the birth certificate.  I’m sure of that one too. 

 

In closing...I wonder if this hurts me this way, how much he feel?

7:52 a.m. ::
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