cluttering the net since 2001

I believe I can fly.....

Thursday, Jan. 03, 2002
Ok I think I need to make something clear in this diary. I am married. I am struggling to come to terms with everything and it’s a long and complicated story. Some of my readers are aware of it. Some aren’t. So…during the last 2 ˝ years I have been good friends with “him” via the Internet. He has been there for me time and time again. When I met him I pretty much said “I’m a mess, my life’s a mess and I’m trying to get my shit together.” Here we are 2 ˝ years later and my life is in some ways worse than it was then. In other ways, it is far better because I have changed. I am not the same person. And I attribute a lot of it to him.

I think that “he” can’t tell me how he feels so much because he’s talking to what is still a married girl. Which goes against all his morals. Yes…you can be “friends” with a married person, but if he pledged his undying love for me then I would have to question him as a person. After all…I am married. And besides is it possible to love someone that you’ve never actually met? Yes….imagine that, “he” and I haven’t even met. It seems almost unreal to me. That he’s the one person that I am the absolute closest to and yet I have never met him. I see him often though.

So it’s a very strange juxtaposition to say the least. And I think that he and I have had to dance around some strange and unrealistic issues at best. I know how he feels, its in his actions. Its in his constant support and involvement in my life. He’s by far the best friend I have ever had. Bar all others. He’s always there for me. And that is not an easy thing for anyone to ever try to be for me.

When I got a digital camera for Christmas that didn’t work worth shit, he sat up for an hour and a half bidding on one on ebay that he knew was an excellent one, just to then tell me “it bothered me that you didn’t get what you wanted for Christmas”. He then told me last night after getting my check in the mail, that he had fully intended to call it a gift. I believe him. But I told him “But I fully wanted you to realize that I’m not using you.

My point is…he’s not perfect and neither am I and even though I wish he would tell me how he feels, he really doesn’t have to. I just need to pay attention to his actions. And I need to pay attention to my own. I believe I could have everything my heart dreams for if I just overcame my own fears. If someone has the answers to how to do that…I’m all ears….. I need to jump off the edge of this cliff and find out if I can fly.


I believe I can fly

I used to think that I could not go wrong
And life was nothing but an awful song
But now I know the meaning of true love
I'm leaning on the everlasting arms
If I can see it, then I can do (be) it
If I just believe it, there's nothing to it
I believe I can fly
I believe I can touch the sky
I think about it every night and day
Spread my wings and fly away
I believe I can soar
I see me running through that open door
I believe I can fly
I believe I can fly
(Oh) I believe I can fly
See I was on the verge of breaking down
Some times silence can seem so loud
There are miracles in life I must achieve
But first I know it starts inside of me
Could I believe in it?

– R.Kelly
1:21 p.m. ::
prev :: next