PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

i cleaned my own house....

Sunday, Oct. 24, 2004

First I must state I just had the most amazing weekend just hanging out with my man.  He and I are in this place that’s absolutely perfect and easy and simple and …ahhh bliss…..  I love that man.

 

I have recently gotten questions about what happened between R and I in July.  I will only say that he and I have come to terms with it.  It’s called unconditional love and forgiveness and acceptance.  I received an email from a long time friend of mine, Greg.  Greg and I met at a point in my life where everything was falling apart for me and for him.  I used to think I had the worlds worst luck ever.  Greg has seen some very difficult times and in light of all of it he’s one of the most beautiful people I have ever known. He changed the way I write, the way I see the world. 

 

When R and I were recently having problems I called Greg and asked him for his advice.  He’s brutally honest and will not give you foo foo pretty words nor will he feed you full of a pack of lies.  He told me “Kristy if you love him then clean your own house.”  It didn’t immediately make any sense but then again within a day or so I truly grasped his advice and I ran with it. 

 

The incident with R and I…was exasperated because I myself stopped taking Zoloft against my own better judgment.  I also had been raped in the past and had a brutal flashback of that event.  I never received counseling or help for that rape because I was married at the time and he had already cheated on me by leaving and going to New York.

 

All charges against R were dropped about 45 days later due to “insufficient information”.  Fact is he did nothing.  I freaked out on my bf who was trying to make love to me because I had issues that went unresolved.  And…I must admit and openly say that R is the most amazing person alive to be able to forgive me….to be able to understand me…and love me despite these heinous mistakes I myself have made. In the process of all of it, the pregnancy that I lost...the pain that I caused....I realized that I am the only person responsible for my own life. 

 

This is all I will openly and publicly say.  I will however also say that R never harmed me and that our relationship has never been a violent one.  Nor has it ever been one whereby he was mentally abusive.  At one time I opted to stop writing here because it was too confusing to be working on so much personally and within my relationship while typing it out here and being unable to openly discuss it with R.

 

Tonight I received an email from my friend Greg….

 

From: "greg carlson"
To: poeticalgirl@hotmail.com
Date: Sun, 24 Oct 2004 21:23:47 -0500

hey there whats up.
just wanted to let you know Im still alive and well.
been working on another album with Orbital Carnie, its going to be called "I aint your monkey".
it should be pretty fucked up.
I also have been doing some painting.
My girl is moving to Germany on Dec. 27. yep, 2 days after the big Xmass 04 I have to drive the woman I love to the airport and wave goodbye. I also am out of the band "Music  Hates You" for personal reasons and found out that it does hate me, or at least I hate it, well not the music itself but the clashing persauna called egos.
but I have been working on some stuff, let the chips fall where they may, fuck it.
I wrote a song called Pessimistic me.
heres the words



i dont beleive in your world anymore
of washing guilt away with a grin
and lie with a convincing smile
that it wont hurt going in
but fibbed again didnt you!!!
and here i am standing in the rain
soaking with red rage
with all the eyes of this fucked up world upon me
I smile pesimisticly

and you wonder why
Im not part of this scene
it doesnt feel the way it should anyway
its all a white lie
and I keep to myself because you wouldnt understand
these things I think about,
what would you say if I was caught thinking outloud
if all the wonders in my mind came leaking out the side
would you then stop asking me to smile
would you then stop asking for me to respond
to this society all wrapped in tinsel
wishing secretly they were free. like me
pessimistic me.

And I cant stop today to asimulate
that perfect little me thats never home
and i cant be the one
i cant be, i wouldve already won the booby prize
with the shiny tinsel blindfolds and everything
and the world looks at me
like it s antichrist time
and I sit there
with my pessimism
.and take it all in.Greg Carlson '04

well I guess you can see my influences
but in the end, when the water evaporates and theres a few little stains and leaves on the bottom of the cup they spell fuck it.
hope your well
ciao4now
greg


My response…

 

 

Greg,

I am well.  I am well because I took your simple advice.  I cleaned my house. I let go of all of my fears from the past.  I gave everything I had to give and I hung my heart on my sleeve.  I took a chance.  And yes it could have blown up in my face...but it didn't.  It didn't.  I went and bought a ring and I proposed to my man.  I stood before him tears welling over my eyelids.  I told him exactly how I felt and exactly the world I wanted to create with him.  He said yes.

We are currently planning a wedding next November on the beach.  I would love to have your address so that I can share that information with you once I have the details.  I have to tell you that R.....he has done things for me that no single person ever has.  He has wiped tears caused by other people.  He is far from perfect but he loves me and cares for me in ways no one in my life ever has.  I am RUSHING into nothing.  I am gloriously happy right now.  Truly I am.

For the first time in my adult life I am living alone, working two jobs, I am enrolled in college (it's a benefit I receive free from the University ** ******* where I work one job).  I decided to clean my house, clean myself, be who I WANT to be.  Let nothing stop me.  I did that first and foremost.  I stopped looking for that emotional fix..that emotional drug I looked for in the past to soothe the pain.  I started to answer to msyelf and stopped blaming shit on other people.  I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned until my blood was my own bleach.  I learned how to breath alone and truly BE alone.  I need no one.  I now finally know that I can muddle thru the world without anyone's help or love.   And yet I realized I had this amazing thing with R.  He was always there for me.  He was sweet and true to me.  He never lied.  I didn't face my own problems and stay on meds and deal with my life.  I failed myself.  He didn't fail me.  So I answered to myself and I am doing well now.

You should know....

I have met few people who have made me a better person for having met them.  Very few.  You are the king on that mountain of the greats.  I think most people will never begin to comprehend what an amazing and beautiful person lies underneath the sheet of skin that is called the human body when they meet you.  I could tell you that life gets better....I'd have to close my eyes to type those words.  It never really does.  Just sometimes the moments where it is blissful come more often and the pain is clouded enough that we can handle it without too much rage.  But better?  Hmmm...I'll forever ponder that one.

I have learned that karma truly does exist.  Within that last few weeks my ex has gotten fired, gotten busted cheating on his 2nd wife and she wasn't wanting to do anything nicely where he was concerned so Karma has a grip on his ass right now.  I do not say these things out of happiness...I just type them out of fact.  I feel badly for him but I do not help him out of the knowledge that I cannot save the masses and he has to learn to clean his own house, no one can do that for him.

Today I washed my mans clothes.  I put notes in his pockets.  Some that said "thank you for smiling with me and letting me cry in your arms when I'm sad"   Some just said "I can't get enough of your glorious cock".  But most just said "Today I love you."  Then I made him dinner and instead of wanting a thank you, I saw it in the way he held his plate and grinned at me.   I used to think if I loved with all my heart it would be pain that was eventually returned.  That was ONE man.  Not all men.  I held the world at arms length and that was a mistake.

Whomever finds that you...(you Greg Carlson!!) are a part of their life and they don't cherish that....they are far more lost than I have ever been.  It's simply their loss.

You should know that when I hear from you every good emotion that god has gifted us with creeps to the surface of my flesh and the smile inevitably paints itself across my previously blank face.....you have always had that effect on me.  Always.  Perhaps it's not enough to say that and have that simple fact return the smile but I must tell you that I hold you in high regard even if the masses don't agree.   Remember the masses usually follow the wrong leader.

Thank you for sharing yourself with me today.....

much love,
Kristy

11:01 p.m. ::
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