PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

I did what was best for "Bucky" first and foremost

Friday, Mar. 08, 2002

The below chat….she came talking to me…..I hate this bitch…but she brings up the same issue I’m getting slammed with on a daily basis. I made the best decision for myself and for my son. My son coming first. He’s happy and doing well and in the end that’s all that matters to me. IF I have to crawl into bed every night missing him…not being able to watch him sleep…I am making a great sacrifice. This girl doesn’t know what I’m going through. She’s childless. And…besides….no one knows my life, my situation…but me. I know in my heart that for the time being I have made the best decision that circumstance and finances allow for.

I will not harm my child for the mere notion that he is better off with his “mother”. His father and I have issues, we are not filing for divorce. I am trying to get my head straight and in the interim my son is better off living in his same house, in his same bedroom as he has for the last 4 years. I don’t mind her voicing her opinion so much as I mind her telling me that I left my husband for “him”. I didn’t. I never said that, and I wouldn’t do that. I left my house, my whole life…for no one and nothing but myself. “Him” didn’t help me move. Husband helped me because I completely believe that ten years and a child later…he does love me.

I went over to my house tonight to wash laundry because the washer in my building is on the fritz and my quarters got stuck in it after the detergent was all over my clothes. I went over there and laid down on my old bed, I’m so exhausted. When I woke up husband was folding my laundry and telling me “Please try to get more sleep when you get home.”

I make light of a lot of my issues and problems right now because they are hard and difficult things to deal with. People who right now have no major problems yet complain about the minor details of their lives really get to me. I want to hand them my life for one day and then see how they feel about their own life. I have little tolerance for that shit right now.

“Bucky” is happy. I know its hard for anyone to believe but he views coming to my apartment as a “sleepover” situation. He’s happy when he sees me, he doesn’t cry when he leaves me and for the most part his life is completely the same. I am just not sleeping in the same house as he does. He sees me daily and he’s well adjusted. He has a cell phone (please for the sake of my sanity don’t give me a speech about a 9 year old having a cell phone) that has everyone’s phone numbers programmed and he hasn’t started to call me more than he ever did before. But tonight he did call me from his bedroom and he said “I just wanted to tell you that I love you so you don’t forget.” He knows he’s loved. He knows both of his parents love him. I live a whopping 4 ½ minutes away from him and its only that long because of traffic at the light.

I never claimed to “him” or anyone else to be perfect. I do claim to have tons of problems in my life right now. I’m doing the best I can. My son seems to think I’m doing just fine and in the end that’s all that truly matters to me.

Here’s the chat that insited this outbreak of thought…. Apparently “him” is out talking to his friends about my life and I would bet that he thinks the same way this girl thinks. And I don’t fucking care if he does. Fuck you if you can’t understand that I’m making a sacrifice so that my son doesn’t have to have a “tough” life.

Yes “he” and I talked about all of the possibilities but keep in mind that I never left my son to go be with “him”. Regardless of anything we talked about. And I know I won’t ever do so. Discussing something and doing it are two entirely different things. By the way this is the same girl that begged him to see her once while in N.C. and he claims he said no. I think the Internet is entirely just fucked. You can’t trust a soul on it!!!


blueyedblonde: well you are on your own..you left that horrible marriage right
Me: how do you know that?
blueyedblonde: jusst do
blueyedblonde: so get a better life than go on w/it
Me: doing that
blueyedblonde: good for you
Me: had nothing to do with him
blueyedblonde: oh yea
Me: yes
blueyedblonde: than tell yourself this what did it have to do with..w/out the x-tra help
Me: he didn't help me
Me: I helped myself
blueyedblonde: sso,now what is your problem now
Me: don't have one
blueyedblonde: are you fooling me or you
Me: lol
Me: I don't have a problem
Me: and I'm not fooling anyone because I don't have anything to hide
blueyedblonde: neither do I'm one happy lady
Me: that's great to hear...I'm happy for you
Me: you deserve to be happy
blueyedblonde: This I do know
Me: you should know that no one has helped me...but me I'm the reason I'm free right now
blueyedblonde: Dr..Atkins?
blueyedblonde: and your son
Me: my son?
Me: what are you talking about?
blueyedblonde: how free is freee
blueyedblonde: does he live w/you
Me: no he doesn't
Me: and that was my choice
Me: my decision
blueyedblonde: than you are not free
Me: yes I am
Me: my son is in the best place for him right now
Me: he can finish school etc
blueyedblonde: oh yea
Me: yes
Me: his father is a good one
blueyedblonde: you do not have no freedom until that child is free
Me: free from what?
Me: he loves his father and he sees us both on a daily basis
blueyedblonde: free from the divorce
Me: time thats a matter of time
Me: and I am free
blueyedblonde: and pitted between
Me: he's not pitted between us
Me: we are not fighting over him
Me: there will be joint custody
blueyedblonde: than take him w/you
Me: I can't afford to
blueyedblonde: no excuse
Me: fuck you
Me: you have no kids
Me: you have no right to tell me what to do
blueyedblonde: fuck you
Me: have one then tell me
Me: you are clueless
blueyedblonde: no just seen enough
Me: my son is happy
Me: he's fine
Me: he's thriving where he is
Me: and for his benefit I am leaving him there
blueyedblonde: as long as you are huh?
Me: I am not being a selfish person and ripping him away from his life
Me: I am not fine without my son
Me: its very hard
Me: but it's better for him where he is
Me: so I am making that sacrifice
blueyedblonde: than take him
Me: I can't afford to
blueyedblonde: no price for a child
Me: I have to be able to feed him
Me: if I can't on my own
Me: then how is that fair to take him away from a situation where he is thriving?
blueyedblonde: If i had achild I would leaf over mountains
blueyedblonde: work 3 jobs
Me: work 3 jobs and who would take care of your child while you do that
Me: when would you see your child?
Me: when would you be a mother to him or her
Me: you don't have a child and you have no clue
Me: what you are talking about
blueyedblonde: I would do it
Me: and you woudln't see him
Me: i have no family to run to
Me: when you are in my shoes then you can judge me
Me: my son is happy and he sees me every day
blueyedblonde: No,My family shows me this....
Me: you would take your child and put him in a bad situation just to have him or her with you?
blueyedblonde: all about an internet person huh
Me: wrong
Me: this wasn't about that
Me: at all
Me: not at all
blueyedblonde: so what does your son learn from this
blueyedblonde: you are not willing to try
Me: he learns that his parents both love him and his mother loves him enough to allow him to grow
up in a house with his dogs and his friends around and his father who loves him very much
blueyedblonde: and make all right for you both
Me: I never said I wasn't willing to try
Me: I said I wasn't in a situation at the moment to be able to provide for him
blueyedblonde: WHAT ABOUT HIS MOM>>>Animals can be replaced
Me: I can't feed a child earning what I earn
Me: his father has a very good job and can provide for him
blueyedblonde: than look harder
Me: what do you think I'm doing?
blueyedblonde: and support does help
Me: but I wasn't going to stay there where my son was seeing things he shouldn't see happening around him
Me: he wouldn't pay child support
Me: he'd quit his job and move away
Me: has told me so several times
Me: then I'd have a child to feed that I coudln't feed and a bigger mess than the one I have
Me: my son is doing well
blueyedblonde: laws today would force him to work are you this stupid
blueyedblonde: and pay you
Me: and if he quits every job after 2 or 3 months they'd simply arrest his ass and put him in jail for
non payment and I'd still get no money to feed my son
Me: nope
Me: I make too much to get help
Me: been down that road
Me: I'm not stupid
Me: have you ever been down this road?
Me: NO
Me: so you don't fucking know
blueyedblonde: No,I once worked for welfare, his ass would be found
Me: not out of the country
Me: and while they were looking my son would suffer
Me: listen
Me: this is really none of your business
Me: my son is happy and doing well living less than 5 minutes from me
blueyedblonde: no he just took your love for your son and ran w/it
Me: wrong
Me: this was my decision
Me: my choice entirely
Me: I said I was moving out to better myself and find happiness and that my son shouldn't have to
suffer for anything that happened between us
blueyedblonde: than you deal w/it and keep it from us all
Me: I am dealing with it
Me: you're the one that made issue of it
Me: I have no problems with my current situation
Me: none
Me: everything is better
Me: for everyone concerned
blueyedblonde: no,you disclosed your own personal issues
Me: I shoulda known better than talk to you
blueyedblonde: go get fucked
Me: you're no one to me
Me: no one
Me: you're just jealous
Me: jealous that I have a child
Me: you think you could be a better mom but you're not one
blueyedblonde: than save yourself you one lost bitch w/out a purpose
Me: I am not lost
Me: and I do have a purpose
blueyedblonde: I got all the kids I need
Me: I’m going to better myself so that I can provide for my son
Me: and I don't need a fucking man to help me
blueyedblonde: sometimes better is too late
Me: its never too late to do better
Me: never
blueyedblonde: I don't have to be a mom to know where I would stand
blueyedblonde: w/me and my child
Me: you'd starve your kid because you're a selfish person
Me: nice choice
blueyedblonde: no life too tough
Me: no its not about it being too tough for me
blueyedblonde: My child goes w/me
Me: it's about not wanting it to be too tough for my son
Me: my son is with me every day
Me: he's here with me every night
Me: you're clueless
blueyedblonde: you lost yourself somewhere
Me: yeah in that marrriage
Me: and I refused to stay there
Me: and I refuse to make my son pay the price
Me: he's doing well
Me: he's with me daily
Me: I see him as much as I did before
Me: he just sleeps in that house instead of mine
Me: I take him to school
Me: pick him up
Me: cook his meals
Me: so fuck you
Me: you don't know shit
blueyedblonde: if your child is w/you every night than why is he not w/you always
Me: because I cant afford it
blueyedblonde: afford lame excuse
Me: I don't care what you think
blueyedblonde: And you fuck-off
blueyedblonde: a son and mom that can not be changed
blueyedblonde: you could afford to leave
Me: no I couldn't
Me: my dead father left me money
blueyedblonde: well your right I do not have kids...No one would come between me and my kids,I would fight to the earths end
blueyedblonde: If you do not care what I think Than,why did you bother
blueyedblonde: Nite
blueyedblonde: Thought you was headed for N.C.
Me: you thought wrong
Me: I never said that and don't plan for that
1:17 a.m. ::
prev :: next