cluttering the net since 2001

i fucked up

Friday, Jul. 23, 2004
Last night I actually vacuumed the apartment. I found little pieces of my heart all over the place. Instead of sucking them away I kept shoving them into my pocket for later. Itís so hot in there because I fear the wrath of huge electricity bills that I canít afford and can barely tolerate the sound of the air conditioner running away with my money.

Before this week I really hated my ex-husbandís guts and trust me I still donít much like them, lets just say that the last few days heís been pretty cool towards me as I deal with the current situation. I have thought a thousand times about how to write about the b.f. situation and there are things I simply wonít write here. Itís just mine and Iím going to keep it.

My son is coming over for the entire weekend and his father has been nice enough to send him over with a baggie of cash so mom can feed him properly and we can have a nice time together. Now this would appear to be something he doesnít have to do as no one pays child support but keep in mind, heíd pay this much to a babysitter if he had to get one for 48 hours. I wanna spend some time with Bucky and explain some things to him and hopefully weíll be able to lay on the bed and I can read to him. For some odd reason Iíve wanted to do that for awhile. I need to get back to being a better Mom with one on one time with him. It would feed my soul and do me good. (this is something b.f. told me a thousand times)

I intend to go to court on Wednesday and drop the injunction. I feel it to be unnecessary and I will only state here that this entire matter has been unfortunate and a huge misunderstanding due to circumstances I wonít disclose here.

Seeing how my entire next paycheck is going to pay the rent, I am going to be scrimping by if Iím lucky. I bought $30 worth of groceries last night and then I came home and drank a glass of milk and fed Chloe half a can of dog food. She wonít leave my side. Will not move away from me. I think sheís lonely and misses her Daddy.

Last night I found a book that b.f. must have been reading. He was on the third chapter. For some reasonÖthis made me grin from ear to ear. I cannot even explain.

Next Wednesday I need to go to court. In August, the first week of August, I have to meet with the D.A. I am scared..not for myself. For him. I hope I can take care of things correctly. Iíve talked with ex about how best to do this for b.f.

This morning I got my period. This is a huge event in my life, as I never get my periods. It feels like a gift to bleed whenever you normally donít. It makes me feel like a complete woman because most of the time I feel defective.

Last night my thighs were sticking to the couch it was so hot. Chloe was licking my face and my ears because she loves to lick sweat. I started to cry and she simply licked my tears away too. I pulled her away from my face and looked her right in the eye and she laid her head on my shoulder and I swear to God it was a moment that made my heart break. I think subliminally animals understand and feel human emotions. She knows somethingís wrong.

Today Iím wearing something that didnít fit 2 weeks ago. Iím convinced the only good thing that comes from my depression is thinner thighs.

I cried because that phone never rangÖI can only hope it was because of fear. Maybe all I can do is wait things out and hope for the best. I fucked up.

11:46 a.m. ::
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