i get a dreadful uneasy feeling
Friday, Mar. 07, 2003
Now when he does nice things for me they make me feel uneasy. They make me wonder what he's got up his sleeve. They make me feel quilty like I should be erasing him from my life entirely. But
then I even end up feeling quilty because how do you erase such a large chunk of your life? It's like I hate the things he did and I try not to hate him because to do that would make me bad somehow..right?
But it's a big mixture of strangeness. It's like being handed a thousand letters from your past and trying to figure out what to do with them. Do you rip them up and throw them away, do you hide them under
the mattress and make new love until the weight of it crushes the words of your history into dust. What do you do with it all? It's like at one time we were two dancers who had all the steps down, at least
that's how my mind wants to remember so that the hate isn't so much bigger than me. I don't want to feel anything towards him, and mostly I just don't want any kindness beyond what I ask for. I can't organize
my thoughts and feelings about it all. I just know that he bought me a drink, and it bugs me, urks me and makes me feel uneasy like there's impending doom. I know I'm probably making a bigger deal of it all
than need be, but I just feel odd about it all. And then tonight he gives me back earrings that he gave someone he owed money to, he basically gave MY STUFF as collateral for a loan of sorts when the guy came
knocking at the door to collect. I suppose he paid off the debt and the guy gave him back my jewelry and I'm still amazed that he bothered to give it back to me after all of this time. It all makes me feel
like there's gotta be a reason for his kindness and I don't like not knowing what it is.
I talked to my friend Diana about this tonight and she says its his silent moment of clarity that he's probably had. That he realizes that he loves or loved me and he can't "say" that or admit that he fucked it all up...so he's trying to somehow fix his guilt. Who knows. I just know it makes me feel really strange. I see him and I feel nothing but fear for what is yet to come, what is he thinking and what will I endure in the future. Without anything settled it's all a mystery I feel unsure about.
I had no ride home from work tomorrow as I usually get out around 4 instead of the normal 5:30 p.m., no way to the bank, no way back to H&R Block to get my refund check (which is higher than originally anticiapted...YEAH for me..now I can address some legalities, etc. as well as a vehicle replacement) and then tonight Diane called, we drove around in her car and vented on each other and I realize she's the best friend I've ever had that was female. She's also coming to get me from work tomorrow and taking me to the bank too. She rocks!!
This is a short weekend for Rick and so he'll be back Sat. night...he said, "maybe you can meet me with your 'new' truck. Cross your fingers...that's all I want to do. Go meet my man in a new truck.
My employer docked someone's pay for coming in with a hangover. Of course they allowed him to work the entire day and that was a week or so ago, and now they tell him???? (@&#(@*&(!&!
It's late, Ricks in bed...and I wanna be there too. g'nite!
-PoeticaL
