cluttering the net since 2001

i hear pain i crumble (poem)

Monday, Sept. 23, 2002
I mostly don’t feel like writing anymore. I feel uninspired. Like someone turned the lights out. I know this is some sign of depression. But mostly I tend to negate that thought and believe rather that everything I see around me lately is just sadness. That I’m being shown pictures of what my experiences are capable of doing to those that matter to me in my life.

First there is…this..

My bosses used to date. They used to live together last year. They used to be happy and giggly and sweet together. Then she moved out silently. Then they just seemed like friends for a while. Then I was unsure and never asked. Turns out he was/is a cheater. That he cheated on her a few times. She forgave him the first 2 times. Then it turns out that he decided to sell his house and go buy a dream house by the lake with a pool (at least it’s my girl bosses notion of a dream house she always envisioned them having together) and shack up with the newbie girl, who herself is married and has decided to file for divorce. I suppose because she’s too stupid to know that he will most likely leave her ass for someone else someday.

Ok go read that paragraph twice….I know it’s confusing. But basically this is it.

1. he cheated
2. more than once
3. he left her for another girl
4. he and married girl shack up in girl bosses idea of what a dream house is
5. she still works for him
6. she’s sad
7. it breaks my heart
8. I hate cheaters
9. I’m trying not to let this affect my job and views
10. its just his personal life right?
11. I don’t know his side, I’m sure there is one
12. its just hard to like a cheat

Wait!!! There are no other sides that are defendable when someone cheats. They were no longer living together from what I can gather, so why didn’t he just leave her and move on. And this other woman, she cheated on her husband to be with my boss and now she’s filing for divorce and…. Is she that stupid?

Ok in the end this is none of my business, but fuck it just is hard to see girl boss upset about boy boss getting new girl phone calls, etc. Someone basically and seemingly stepped in and simply gained the life with him that girl boss tried to have for years. Quite sad. My problem is….girl boss is pretty, bright, intelligent, honest, faithful, true and good. Never to say anyone deserves to be cheated on, because despite things in my own life, I disagree with this. But she doesn't deserve this at all!!!!

One day at work, she and he got into a fight via the phone and this is where it all began to surface. She was in tears, and sadly he appears to be in love and on cloud 9, floating on air. It broke my heart to see her heartache. Besides, I can relate to the being left for another woman and having someone step in the picture and “steal” your life. I gave her a copy of “Maximum Capacity” (below)…that day. I just got up from my desk, walked into her office and I hugged her. She cried. I’ve never so much hugged another woman like that. Not a non-family member like that. (I have girl/girl friendship issues due to non-mothering I believe…) I just felt so inclined to hug her. And when I did, she hugged me back tight and she cried. I told her nothing. I gave her “maximum capacity” printed out on a piece of paper. I can share words, but when someone’s crying in front of me, I’m numb. Someone gave it to me 2 years ago. She taped it to her wall. It’s still there. Even now. I hope that somehow it reminds her that life gets dark….but it will be light again. When I see that piece of paper taped there, her often-red swollen eyes, I ache inside to know what she is going through. I think in my lifetime, this experience I’ve had has taught me to reach out to others at critical moments when they are entirely alone.

And then one of my best friends in life, he’s right now destroyed. His wife is moving out this Friday. He’s struggling for reason and meaning, afraid that the depression will overwhelm him and cause him to do dangerous and stupid things. Afraid of all of the loss, and the pain in his voice is as strong as lightening and yet the beauty of love is lost in the anger of the rain. I love him with all my heart, and when I hear the pain, I cry with him. I want to simply hug him, hold him, until the pain subsides, and though I am not the object of his need, I want to somehow fix the ache, Erase the pain, mend the wounds that are new and raw. And I can’t. To said friend….I love you like only you will ever know. I wish I could carry all of it for you, so you never had to know.

I sometimes….though rarely…wish I felt nothing. Wish that other people’s pain was just a picture in a book that caused no emotion. That I could flip through and glance and keep going. That is not me. I reach out, accept and try to take away every flame of hell they feel.


I hear pain,
I crumble.
I see pain,
I stumble.
I am pain,
I tumble.
I recover…
barely mumble.

I wish, I was the only
one above and over
everyone to know
that after pain
nothing is ever
nothing ever


the same

but I am not the one
not the only sun
to also grow to know
beauty is so clearly there
so beautiful and fair
after the cruelest of rain

and in that office, taped….it remains…

Maximum Capacity

It is the natural order of things that a container can contain only so much. When it's full, you can fit no more. A one-gallon jug holds one gallon, and no matter what you do you can't fit two gallons into a one-gallon jug.

Ever been in a busy elevator? When the elevator stops there's always some idiot trying to rush into the elevator without letting people out of the elevator first.

Everything has a maximum capacity. Hearts and minds are the same way.

It's a scientific fact that if I read you a list of 20 nouns, you will only be able to remember 7 of them at once. If you remember an 8th that means you'll have forgotten one of the others.

When you're in love with someone, that person becomes like the sun. When you look at the sun, its brilliance blinds you to everything else. It's only when you stop looking at the sun that everything else comes back into focus.

For whatever reason, for better or worse, it doesn't look like he is going to pan out. Strange though it may seem, that's a good thing. As your love and your sorrow fade away, it's like emptying. As bad as that feeling is, that's a good thing too. It's only once you've emptied that you can start to fill again.

Just like the sun, once you turn your head, everything else comes back into focus. You'll again see things you'd forgotten, and maybe see a few new things you never noticed.

If this love isn't going to work out, then it's good that things are ending. If he is not the one, then they deserve no space in your heart or mind. Clearing it away makes space for someone who does deserve it.

(my friend Joe wrote this…I miss you Joe, wherever you disappeared to…)

9:16 p.m. ::
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