PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

I love you Daddy....

Tuesday, Nov. 15, 2005
Nearly two years ago I met Po Bronson. It was an exciting day and I had a great time with him. I wrote about it before I don’t have to do that again.



Not so long ago I found out inadvertently that my story was edited out. I now find that I am not alone. Of course a few weeks ago I was seething about the fact that it was nixed and no one bothered to tell me, I had called Po to inquire about release dates, etc and he dumped the news on me and I found myself crying my eyes out driving down 275 on my way home from work. It hurt….but it hurt not in a normal way…it was disappointing for me because I had decided to hang my heart and soul on my sleeve as I have never done anywhere (yah not even here people…you think you know…you don’t know) because I wanted to do so as a show of respect to my long estranged and then simply forgiven father. I felt that I had let him down somehow. It was a rough few hours and then it was gone….just gone and I let go of it. At the time that I spoke with Po I told him I wanted my name to be published as my maiden name (same as my father’s) as it is an unusual name and I wanted so badly to honor him….



Well…Tonight after a particularly stressful day at work I decided to hit the bookstore for some lulling bookstore music and a gander at all that is new. Since my story was nixed from his book I had put it out of my mind. Tonight I saw that his new book was for sale…had been released.

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Of course I had to touch it…pick it up. But I did so with hesitation. The formerly really disappointed let down me had defiantly decided “fuck that book and all that was about it” even though the experience of divulging the entire story to any one human being all at once in a 10 to 12 hour day was life altering for me…good for me….allowed me to let go and move on and change and enroll in college…and look more often at the future rather than my past.



Tonight I read the front cover….glanced inside and read his Author’s Note in the back of the book. And then there it was…



To all the hundreds of people I interviewed for this book, thank you for your time and your interest and your encouragement. Then there were people who welcomed me into their families and spoke to me at great length, but I ended up not writing about them. The cause was not lost, their experience dramatically shaped the stories I did write. Those are…..(several names were listed…..and then there it was…..mine…) Kristy Chmelarksy…..



and for the jerk that will say that could be any Kristy…and not me….a copy of my high school diploma…..yes he meant me….how many people have that last name…..I could tell you exactly but I won’t.



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And every part of the entire experience was ok.because it just was. My father's name (no longer my current legal name...I kept my married name after the divorce for personal reasons)..was published in this book because of my actions and efforts…..and yes it is not the success I almost had…..and Po did tell me that my story may be included as an additional portion of the paperback version in the future…..so you never know…but honestly…..I am sated….When I saw my given name on the page....the words came out of my mouth out loud... "For you Daddy..." and then I looked around to see if anyone thought I was whack....but now...I am at peace….I am grateful for all that I do have. ….and as always….I love you and I miss you Daddy….every single day….our story lives in places that will never die because forgiveness is infinity.



Just think the next time I post a diploma....it'll be a college degree... :-)
8:29 p.m. ::
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