cluttering the net since 2001

I may never be ready but that's ok I'm better

Thursday, Aug. 31, 2006
Years ago, prior to the divorce from the first man that ever really taught me what life could be like when you made a million mistakes….I used to sing a song in my head and cry all the time. “You were Mine – Dixie Chicks”. I didn’t even like country much then. But you know, that song was so full of everything I was feeling at that time.

For years now I’ve wondered how on one side of my world I have moved on in every sense of the word and I have built a brand new life, one that doesn’t even echo any similarities to the old miserable one. I am happy. I am full. I am complete. But then….every now and then I realize I have not truly come to terms with even one year of those 12 that were so bad. The dirtiest dozen I’ve ever known. Sometimes I read other people’s blog’s and read about their marriages and how poorly some women feel right now and it breaks my heart because I was that girl, in every pore of my being, I was her for years. I talk a big game about being “over it” and yet are you ever really beyond all that a person does to you to belittle you for 12 years. Oh he would say something different but there was so much I didn’t do because of him. So much I couldn’t be because of him. I am to blame for so much of it too, because I allowed it. I allowed myself to be less than for the sake of marriage and family and really those two things should be what makes you more than you could ever be on your own.

Yesterday I saw this video on TV and I was transported back so quickly to that different time. I started to cry and then when the song was over….. I breathed out a huge sigh of relief and realized that no matter how bad it was it will never be that again. It is over, even if the scars hold tight. I am better, I am more because he bailed on me….I am not less. I am better and stronger and though there is no perfect, I am so very close right now I can only feel grateful. Even if I may never let go of certain memories….


“Forgive sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting….”


9:05 p.m. ::
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