PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

i'm just....just sad...for someone else

Wednesday, Jun. 01, 2005

I got an email tonight that greatly saddens me…. 

 

 

I got an email basically saying that she 
Loves me but isn't in love with me. And 
that she doesn't see us getting back 
together but she wants us to remain 
friends. I got mad cussed out her cell
phone. After thinking about it I agree
that it is the best thing for everyone.
I talked to her and confirmed it. 
Now its just time, place and details
 

 

 

Divorce is sad.  It’s the breaking up of a family.  It’s the mark of

a certain failure that we never want to face.  It’s the not knowing if

you will ever belong to something so concrete and valuable again. 

 

Even after having gone through my own hells of divorce, even after

accepting and moving on and finding some semblance of normalcy

again…..after all that my own heart has endured, my own eyes have

seen….I don’t have the words to ever fully explain to someone else

how much I simply know what it feels like.  How even after years

of healing I am transposed back to that moment…the real and true

moment when I hadn’t yet accepted, hadn’t yet truly understood

how big the loss would be…just the mere moment when it all felt

like a waste of my love, a waste of my time to believe in such a

thing as forever …I thought I would be married forever….I

thought nothing would happen.  That wild eyed 20 year old girl

standing in a church she’d never seen before that day listening to a

preacher she never met before mispronounce her name…that girl

believed so much more than the girl that writes this now might ever

believe in again.  The scars are hard and roughened more than they

once were….but they are tender when I touch them too much. 

 

Logic has taught me that come what may it was for the best, that I

endured maybe too much for the hope and wish of happily ever after.

That parts of me died and will perhaps never fully resurrect

themselves again for the sake of that marriage that never quite worked

enough but never seemed worth tossing away….and yes I did not toss

it away…the other party inevitably murdered all that was left with that
final affirmation that they did not desire to continue trying giving

surviving and keeping intact the entity called marriage.

 

It wasn’t I who walked away, it was my intended life partner

who walked out the door called promise…leaving me broken.

 

This one email brought me to that moment of picking up that last

letter…in black and white and familiar handwriting and simply knowing

…in one split second …that entire life I had built, the one I relied upon

despite it’s cracked windows and toppling walls….was up in flames,

lying in it’s last moments waiting for death.

 

To the sender of the email

 

I can’t help but recall how many times I ran to you

with my own grief, my own sorrows, my own struggles with my then

ending marriage and all the pain that came with it.  I can only hope to

be there for you in the same ways you were there for me when I needed

you to be the amazing friend that you’ve always been. God, help me

be that for you in return…

 

Remember that…I love you, a love that feels the same way for me

as when I look at the sky and know the world is good, I love you like

that same feeling you get when you see a child smile…it is all you

can wish for in the world…to see such happiness for someone so

deserving like a child. It’s the same way I love the curve of a daisy’s

petal.  The same love that causes you to move to the outside edge of the

sidewalk to shield a child from the dangerous traffic.

  

I love you like that and my heart aches for your loss and I’m moving

to the outside edge of the sidewalk you’re walking down now…

10:49 p.m. ::
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