i'm just....just sad...for someone else
I got an email tonight that greatly saddens me�.�
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I got an email basically saying that she Loves me but isn't in love with me. And that she doesn't see us getting back together but she wants us to remain friends. I got mad cussed out her cell phone. After thinking about it I agree that it is the best thing for everyone. I talked to her and confirmed it. Now its just time, place and details � |
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Divorce is sad.� It�s the breaking up of a family.� It�s the mark of
a certain failure that we never want to face.� It�s the not knowing if
you will ever belong to something so concrete and valuable again.�
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Even after having gone through my own hells of divorce, even after
accepting and moving on and finding some semblance of normalcy
again�..after all that my own heart has endured, my own eyes have
seen�.I don�t have the words to ever fully explain to someone else
how much I simply know what it feels like.� How even after years
of healing I am transposed back to that moment�the real and true
moment when I hadn�t yet accepted, hadn�t yet truly understood
how big the loss would be�just the mere moment when it all felt
like a waste of my love, a waste of my time to believe in such a
thing as forever �I thought I would be married forever�.I
thought nothing would happen.� That wild eyed 20 year old girl
standing in a church she�d never seen before that day listening to a
preacher she never met before mispronounce her name�that girl
believed so much more than the girl that writes this now might ever
believe in again.� The scars are hard and roughened more than they
once were�.but they are tender when I touch them too much.�
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Logic has taught me that come what may it was for the best, that I
endured maybe too much for the hope and wish of happily ever after.
That parts of me died and will perhaps never fully resurrect
themselves again for the sake of that marriage that never quite worked
enough but never seemed worth tossing away�.and yes I did not toss
it away�the other party inevitably murdered all that was left
with that
final affirmation that they did not desire to continue trying giving
surviving and keeping intact the entity called marriage.
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It wasn�t I who walked away, it was my intended life partner
who walked out the door called promise�leaving me broken.
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This one email brought me to that moment of picking up that last
letter�in black and white and familiar handwriting and simply knowing
�in one split second �that entire life I had built, the one I relied upon
despite it�s cracked windows and toppling walls�.was up in flames,
lying in it�s last moments waiting for death.
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To the sender of the email
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I can�t help but recall how many times I ran to you
with my own grief, my own sorrows, my own struggles with my then
ending marriage and all the pain that came with it.� I can only hope to
be there for you in the same ways you were there for me when I needed
you to be the amazing friend that you�ve always been. God, help me
be that for you in return�
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Remember that�I love you, a love that feels the same way for me
as when I look at the sky and know the world is good, I love you like
that same feeling you get when you see a child smile�it is all you
can wish for in the world�to see such happiness for someone so
deserving like a child. It�s the same way I love the curve of a daisy�s
petal.� The same love that causes you to move to the outside edge of the
sidewalk to shield a child from the dangerous traffic.
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I love you like that and my heart aches for your loss and I�m moving
to the outside edge of the sidewalk you�re walking down now�