PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

i'm so lucky...

Friday, Oct. 04, 2002
This morning I drove my son to school. I was so happy that I could do this simple thing. I have had it taken away from me. I would never choose to ever leave him behind for any reason. In my mind there is no good enough reason. Perhaps if I had tons of money and gave people enough money to retire on I could talk myself out of the guilt of all my wrong doings. Or maybe if I could give someone a $40,000 car as babysitting payment, perhaps then I would think I was all that.

I just thought about his blue eyes lit up by the sunshine through my junky car’s windshield. Pretty priceless. I don’t think I’d ever have enough money to cover the guilt and shame I would feel. I’d probably get highly angry at anyone that reminded me of my failings. I wonder what its like to be a child and not have any parents around. I know that when I was 19 it pretty much sucked.

I thought all of these things and then I parked my car and took my son by the hand and walked him to the front door and kissed him and hugged him. I usually drop him off at the sidewalk because he likes that sense of independence. I told him, “I’m so lucky to be a mommy.” He cocked his head, looked at me and said, “Sometimes you’re so sappy Mom.”
8:50 a.m. ::
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