i miss you even though your there because i'm still over here

everything about him is becoming a bigger memory than day to day reality. i phone and we speak but it's like two strangers talking into cans. we say all the same things and do all the same moves, but its much like watching a black and white film with no sound. 4 minutes and he's gone, someone else pulls the strings these days. i am someone he professes to love and though i know he does, it's not the same as sunny mornings full of happy songs and now when I sing there's no one beside me singing along. i hold in the tears and try to tell myself i'm too sensitive to the wind's change but in the end i sleep in a different house on a different street and it saddens me that i have to look up his location in an address book just to send a piece of my heart there. a piece of paper with generic words because postcards are public school and my heart's love is too private to write down in lines growing crooked down the page.

i know everyone goes through this, this letting go while trying so hard to hold on. but not many go through this at this age, this place this time in life. i had so much and i try to remember what i still have, but when i look at my hands there isn't one there to hold that looks like mine only smaller. i know no distance, no time changes things, but my words in my heart ache, they just no longer rhyme. blue....if there was a color that had emotion it would be blue, gray because there surely is no longer a black or a white. there's just here and he's there.