cluttering the net since 2001

i remember...

Saturday, Sept. 21, 2002
Husband has an illness, just got it a few months ago. As of yet it’s really gone undiagnosed and causes him to hardly be able to walk. It’s quite sad. Part of me aches to watch him try to walk. He’s starting to have difficulty with shifting in his Mustang. That’s sad. After the movie tonight, I offered to drive. And then I remembered something I had forgotten. When we met I was 20, he was 26. I thought he was just so damn kewl because he was worldly and had lived on his own and knew things. Things I hadn’t experienced yet. I loved that about him. But even then I knew there’d come a day when he would be 40 and I would be 34 and then he’d probably seem old to me. Well…I’m 32 and he’s 38 and he can hardly walk and I’m in my sexual prime. And I’m a bitch for feeling this way, but I feel cheated. Not just by his initial introduction of infidelity into our marriage, but due to his inability to now copulate. Yeah myswell throw that out there….his illness is affecting his “manhood”. Forced fidelity???

What a mess. Tonight in the movie theater my son was mocking his Dad….limping …leaning..hanging onto the theater seats and husband turned around and saw this….and simply said, “this is so not funny…to be unable to move without pain….is not funny Bucky”

And to think, there’s not a doctor in this large city I live in that has determined what is wrong with him. He can’t walk…...can no longer do the two things that he did wrong to me. walk away…fuck around…. Is it prolific justice? Would I chose these things if I could have? At one point 2 years ago..yes. Now they make me feel guilty, small and so completely ….sad.

Sad for him, sad for me, sad for life. Sad…. And this sadness makes me want a man… a strong man….to thrust against me, pull my hair and make me feel something that is not pain, but rather hardcore pleasure.

Tonight I was in search of an amazing moment because truth be known, I love husband, I just can’t forget or get past or move on or stop wondering who he’s with when he says he’s going to the store for milk. It’s all lame…I know. And add to it the sadness of his inability to walk without limping….

I’m so lost sometimes. Trying to find someplace to feel ok again…

So… no one’s touched me and my skin is screaming…..my soul is an echo.

Sometimes I watch him sleeping in a drugged up stupor and I feel like shit because you know how they talk about that one true love that you’ll find in life? He and I were not always like we are now...

I remember that boy that gave me roses just because we met on Feb 17th and he missed out on Valentines Day. I remember the way he tied an engagement ring to a balloon and told me “please don’t let the balloon get away” while waiting for me to notice the gold glint on the ribbons. I remember the boy that said he loved me and I asked, “why?” “but why?” and then all the cards that said, “there is no why..there is only love” I remember the day we picked a lame 70’s song to be our song because it wouldn’t be in heavy rotation on the radio and make us hate it in a years time. I rmember the way he took me to Dallas to get away from the pain. I remember the way I had a nervous breakdown the first month we were there, I’d walk around turning every light on at 3 a.m. fearing the dark and the aloneness. I remember how he grabbed ahold of me in a drugged up stupor and slammed me down on the floor and said, “I love you….don’t’ you understand what it is to be loved, walk around…go crazy, break things, scream at the top of your lungs, I’m not leaving you alone.”

I remember how we ate spaghetti for months and months because it was all we could afford. I remember the Dallas sky. Our backporch. The day he gave me a puppy. I remember when I found out about “Bucky” the way he was so happy that he cried when I told him. We had both worked for the same company that had just gone under and we were both unemployed, living in an expensive apartment that we never could really afford, with nothing but a bed and a farmhouse table in the dining room. A ton of crayola color paints all over everything we picked up for free in the previous year. Standing there, his face, my fear. I remember the way we loved each other. I remember the way he held me, the way I cried for weeks, months….endlessly. Wanting my mother, wanting my sister, my brother, my life I lost. I remember the way he held a roll of toilet paper and ripped squares off one at a time with each sob that was followed by laughter at his attempts to make me smile. I remember the 4 jobs, the 4 bikini’s, the 4 maternity outfits, the 4 disapproving comments about how we were too young, didn’t know and how we wouldn’t last past 6 months. I remember his jeans, his shoes, his tan face, his old car, his book about influencing people, I remember the frost on the truck the day we left, the heat making me pass out the day we arrived. The white dress he bought and gave me just because “it’ll look sexy against your tan Kasey”. I remember the way he carried our new baby down the isle of baby girls and said, ‘ok buddy wink and swagger, wink and swagger, they like that…trust me.” I remember the way he came and got me from work. The way we left every day at 2 p.m. and thought we were so cool because we made ten times what our parents made and we were young and stupid and drunk and high on life. I remember feeling him crawl out of bed to change diapers. I remember watching him tell our child “mommys tired…lets see about this cold bottle problem” standing naked in the darkness juggling a fussy baby, shaking his “butie” and smiling like that child was the sun, moon and stars, never seeing me standing there crying….about how beautiful I thought he was….how lucky I felt.

I remember the 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. working days…the endless winding of the mobile. The way I felt like the luckiest girl alive just to have him in my life. I remember the way he held my hand, stroked my face and talked me through the worst pain of my life, over and over again.

I remember the glass top table he spent our last $50 renting just because I told him I felt horrible because we were newlyweds without a place to sit down and eat dinner. I was pissed about the table, the last $50. He told me to sit down. I sat down. He told me to put my hands on the glass top. I did. He put his hands over mine. We sat there forever. Just like that. I remember…

He and I, we had our own little snow globe beautiful world. We were so happy. We had what everyone wants. I remember these things and I want to hold him, find him, get it all back. And then I remember how I don’t know where it went, how it got lost…and I don’t know how to get it back. I remember that part and I want to forget it all.

See, its so easy for me to spout off and say I hate him…because hate is easy. What I feel, what I truly feel for him, about him…..is so unbelievably hard. I don’t remember if I let the door ajar enough to let someone else in. I don’t remember how or why she could get in. I don’t know these things either. I just know that no one won and I feel the loss. I feel it every time I remember…. When you can’t figure out if you want to embrace or forget things…its hellish. I do love him. I just ….

I guess I just wanted to say these things because there are reasons why its hard for me to just go. When you know in your heart that your one true north is someone you’ve already found. It’s hard to ever be unfounded again.

midway through my “I remember’s….I randomly got this in a pm…

RendLifeAsunder:watch me cut
watch me bleed
watch me cry
watch me need
watch me go
watch me flail
watch me try
watch me fail
watch me give
watch me feel
watch me break
watch me deal
watch me apathize
watch me here
watch me care
watch me there
watch me stumble
watch me trip
watch me fall
watch me flip
watch me love
watch me hate
watch me turn
watch me reciprocate
watch me stand
watch me fear
watch me fade
watch me disappear
will you remember?

Kwisty2k: i was just writing an entry
Kwisty2k: look at where I was when you sent that...
Kwisty2k:…at his attempts to make me smile. I remember
RendLifeAsunder: hehe pretty weird huh?
Kwisty2k: thats exactly where I was
Kwisty2k: and I stopped to read your poem
RendLifeAsunder: :-)
RendLifeAsunder: isnt time fickle?
Kwisty2k: yes
Kwisty2k: it is
RendLifeAsunder: like, it always seems that time passes way too fast to finish, and way too slow to start
Kwisty2k: yes
Kwisty2k: i agree
RendLifeAsunder: heh, im all for doing nothing in that case
Kwisty2k: true
Kwisty2k: what can you do?
Kwisty2k: really...
RendLifeAsunder: im going to learn to stop time
RendLifeAsunder: ill have a giant pause button
RendLifeAsunder: you know whats a good song? pepper
Kwisty2k: a giant pause button....
Kwisty2k: would be great
Kwisty2k: stop life at the good part and enjoy it longer, better, deeper, enough to remember forever once you go back to time
RendLifeAsunder: but id also want a ff button
Kwisty2k: yeah right through the shit
RendLifeAsunder: yep
RendLifeAsunder: anywho, im gonna lie down, see if i can get some sleep
Kwisty2k: k seeya
RendLifeAsunder: night

that vilemiasma..he's just kewl..

I’m gonna go lay down and hold husband….because I remember…and right now… I think he needs me. There were times I needed him and I didn’t deserve him...maybe I needed to write all this down to remember that...

2:08 a.m. ::
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