cluttering the net since 2001

it must be in the bay water so I shall commence to bathing in it rather than driving over it

Wednesday, Apr. 13, 2005
Ok I’m going to say it.

Everyone around me is pregnant and I wish I were pregnant too. I wish…really I do. I’m going to make an appointment and go to a specialist and …and…. However, there is a girl that works at the learning center I work at and she’s like 2 months pregnant and extremely happy about it and I am extremely happy for her. And just my luck the girl that trained me yesterday and today, she is 8 months pregnant. There’s baby talk everywhere I walk and …and….it all makes me want more than I realized I could ever want something else right now.

I am very happy with my life and I could go through the rest of my life and find the ability to remain happy. However, Rick does not have any children of his own, and I want so much in my heart to provide that for and with him. I want another child. I have been telling myself that I do not want to be sporting a basketball belly during my wedding, but truth be known I’d forgo every candle and every grain of that beach wedding if I were to get pregnant.

My day yesterday and today was crazy nuts and while I was trying to not be cranky and tired and bitchy I didn’t succeed the entire way. Last night I went off on a crankmeister jag twice and felt so tired I wanted to cry. But yet again I have an amazing person sharing my life with me and he makes things all that much easier.

Its odd to me how some people get everything they desire and make it look so easy. Yes I realize not all is as it seems but when you think it seems that way it’s hard to take. I also realize that many people think I’m getting something for free and if they only knew….then they’d never utter that f word to me again.

Free is not traveling upwards of 100 miles daily for 7 days with a $19 per day gas compensation. It just simply isn’t.

And before someone says "what about the child you already do have?" Here's my what about the child I already do have answer.---> My son will be with me bi-weekly from here on out, we're (his father and I) pretty sure that he will be attending a summer camp where he’ll be able to swim and play in the bright beautiful sun all day with other kids his age…and…yah ….then he’ll be with me all night every night every other week. I’ll also be able to partake of the morning giddiness called singing and jamming with your son on the way to begin your day ….once again! I can’t wait. I loved that part of my day way back when things were the way they used to be.

p.s. his father and I are splitting the cost of his summer camp in half so that he can go have some fun. He went to this same camp a few years ago and he loved it.
7:29 p.m. ::
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