cluttering the net since 2001

it's going to be ok...

Monday, Apr. 29, 2002
There is such a big FUCKING swearing problem where I work that we have all given $5 into a pot of a big whopping $35. Whenever someone says any bad mother fucking words they are out. I’m gonna win that bitchin’ money. Just gonna have to trust me. I’m a non swearing asshole.


Wish this cunt some luck! I need that $35 to pay Unger off on a previously made bet. LM FUCKINGASSOFF!!!!hmmmm

time lapsed and I had to actually put the above earlier entry here cause diaryland fucked up my fuck entry!

Ok ….I lost the bet because Unger decided that I couldn’t participate since I took a personal day tomorrow and so those mother fucking ingrates I work with carried on with their fun without me and in the end Daniel won and I’m glad cause Daniels kewl and he just had a baby and so he can go spend his $25 on diapers. (not $30 because I got my $5 back for being kicked outta the contest.) They thought the contest would drag on for days. Don’t they hear themselves talk shit for 8 hours a day like I do? How could they think it would take longer than the 4 ½ hours that it took? Dumb Fuckers!!!…*grumble**grumble*.

Husband and I are gonna spend the entire day together tomorrow without “Bucky”. Without anyone or anything but “us”. And I think it’s long overdue and it will tell the tale of the future for sure. We have everything to look forward to if I can just keep my head turned away from the ugliness of the past. Onward and forward I say

I have half of a headache and I’m craving Starbucks but I just bought myself a coffee pot and I’m too lazy to even stand up and go make coffee with this headache….so how can I even conceive of going to B&N to get some Starbucks.

OK OK now I have coffee….lets finish this entry…

I read this last night and I actually finally got it all……so thanks to a girl I don’t even know!

But the end is always the hardest. Like a long goodbye. Or a child refusing to submit to slumber. You toss and turn like he's your insomnia and all you want is to escape into dreams. Because sometimes you'd rather not face reality. And sleep is your heroine. Even though you figure that words must be a drug of some kind because you've come to depend on ink like your pen is a hypodermic needle. Injecting language like a thick intoxicant into your bloodstream. -waxpoetic

I sent him a poem….one that I got up out of bed at 3 a.m. and wrote. I sent him an email with the poem. A poem that was so painful to write. Something I can’t share here. Tonight he came to talk to me….

“him”: Is this about what happen the other night
PoeticaL: nope
“him”: whats it about then
PoeticaL: oh geez.....
“him”: geez what
PoeticaL: its just a poem.....delete it
“him”: geeez wizzzzz
PoeticaL: no that would be Cheese Whiz
“him”: not if its made with pasterized cheese
“him”: then its just geeeez wizzzz
PoeticaL: ok geeeez wizzzzz just delete it
“him”: well why did you send it
PoeticaL: cause you were supposed to read it and say "ahh..nice poem" and move along
“him”: OK
“him”: Ahh nice poem Kristy..........bye
PoeticaL: hahaha
PoeticaL: snot
PoeticaL: oh shit...you were serious
“him”: yep
PoeticaL: ok instead of games...I'll answer your question completely honestly
PoeticaL: to your original question
PoeticaL: yes sorta
PoeticaL: i blamed myself for everything not working
“him”: not working?
“him”: i dont follow
PoeticaL: well I don't know how to put it
“him”: well put it somewher
“him”: e
PoeticaL: it's like there was something between you and I and then there just wasn't
PoeticaL: there was
PoeticaL: and then it was just ...gone
“him”: you and i were not in the cards
PoeticaL: wasn't my choice
PoeticaL: I know that
“him”: for one thing you live too damn far awa
“him”: y
PoeticaL: listen...stop
PoeticaL: I understand
PoeticaL: but it just took time
“him”: we been passed this
PoeticaL: you've been passed this
PoeticaL: i wasn't
“him”: hell you had a bf not long ago(<---blantant lie from me..there was no BF)
PoeticaL: yeah and it didn't work mostly because I was all hung up on you still
“him”: well that was wrong
PoeticaL: yup
PoeticaL: listen..you didn't do anything
“him”: no i know i didnt
PoeticaL: I was trying to tell you that I get it now. Not just logically. But I woke up and i just got it all over. And I'm ok.
“him”: ok
“him”: im not sure what you want from me (<---I fucking hate when he fucking says that to me!)
PoeticaL: it wasn't supposed to be so complicated
PoeticaL: its not about wanting anything
PoeticaL: i don't
PoeticaL: we're friends...I hope
“him”: yes
PoeticaL: I want you to go on and be happy no matter what that is for you.
PoeticaL: I just don't have a switch and it took some time to sink in.
PoeticaL: I don't walk around and just care about anyone. In fact I rarely do it.
“him”: youve never even met me
PoeticaL: doesn't matter....like you think it does....it just doesn't
“him”: its not like we were going out and all of a sudden we broke up
PoeticaL: I know...but it felt the same somehow
“him”: we never seen each other, never been together never even watched a movie together or took a walk
PoeticaL: grrr I know
“him”: why because we live too far away and my world is much different than yours
PoeticaL: I know
“him”: its just the way it is
“him”: theres nothing wrong its just how the cards fell
PoeticaL: well I certainly did lots of stuff wrong
“him”: you were going through a difficult time
PoeticaL: yeah...
PoeticaL: listen
PoeticaL: I'm kewl
PoeticaL: everything's kewl
PoeticaL: maybe I shoulda just wrote you the following "Hey “him” I get it now and I feel better and I understand things more now and I just wanted to tell you I'm really ok with stuff."
“him”: good
PoeticaL: lol ....why's everything I try to say end up so complicated when it's really pretty simple
“him”: because you make it that way
PoeticaL: I gotta put "simplify things" on my list of things to improve
PoeticaL: ok....listen...I'm glad we got that straight...I'm writing my book at the moment....so I gotta jet (<-- I actually left the conversation…WOOT WOOT for ME!)
“him”: ok bye

Ok so there ya have it. HE and I are gonna be FRIENDS. There’s the F word. But I’m finally ok with it….I think…

i don't know how to be ok anymore . . .-JEM
9:31 p.m. ::
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