cluttering the net since 2001

jagged edge - poem

Sunday, Oct. 05, 2003
It's 1 a.m. and I'm sitting at home alone. It would appear that I spend an awfully huge amount of time alone. Yesterday was a hell day. Bucky came over. It wasn't planned and that always throws me because I'm not always mentally prepared to be re-visited by my past through his words. It's hard for me to explain this but he tells me things that are happening that I'd much rather not know about. Things about his father's new life that I don't want to know about and or be affected by. But we're all human and I am human and when my son tells me certain things I am thrown. It's much like being punched in the stomach or something. I lose my breath, my will.

He told me things I can't repeat without wanting to die. Things he didn't say with intent to kill me. Things that only a child would unknowingly say. It's not him that did something wrong, it is I who can't cope.

Always in that swimming pool. He wades into my soul and I'm the riptide. I drown in his words. I can't swim in those truthes.

I sent him away, I sat and cryed on his shoulder. I tried to explain and it made little sense. I am ruthlessly ignorant. I was wrong and I knew it. I was hanging onto him and it was blue.

Today I called him and he said that it was ok. He said that he knows the definition of destruction. He said that he ate dinner and he wondered if anyone was sitting next to me. He said that he understood that I was alone and that sometimes it just hurts.

If there is a God, please hold him when I can't. He's more than I deserve. I'm less than he needs. If there is a way ...show me. If there is a map, come to me.

When I thought I wasn't enough, to him I was still everything.

That child has saved me from myself too many times. I can't leave because as long as he is in this world, I must find a way to remain.

i'm this jagged edge
jagged edge
i am the piece
not peace
i am the
emotion that trips
that juts
wedged deep
now weep deeply
i cannot keep
pain pain
dancing in acid rain
fled fled
its black i've bled
down down
i cannot come around
you you
hatred its true i'm dead
found found
looking up from my
severed head
deaf deaf
you've left
behind too much
for you still
hear nothing
that i've ever pled

1:19 a.m. ::
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