with a job job there and a job job there, wheres my job job?
Friday, Aug. 29, 2003
You�d think I�d be freaking out but I am the exact opposite. I am pretty calm. I haven�t been taking the Zoloft for the last few days and I can see where there are some things I am way too highly emotional about, but other things are better when highly emotional.
On the other hand, I am unemployed and so far I feel positive about it. I have been on several interviews already and I am confident I�ll find something soon, the sooner the better though to ease the stress level from ever going up.
I spoke to Bucky tonight over the phone, this is his week. I�m assuming that I�ll have him next week at least part of the time. I�m going to call and see how this is all going to go from now on.
Our voice mail system on our home phone seems to have been frigged for the last few days. Sometimes you call it and it�s busy, either way the other day ex was calling making threats, but hell if I got the messages because Verizon was messed up and I didn�t get them until today. This is frustrating only in the fact that I am job hunting and need to be contactable.
Every day this week I have gotten up in the morning and gotten dressed up and gone out there to do something in the way of job hunting. It�s easier being free to do so. In this town no one wants to even talk to you if you�re employed. They figure your testing the waters only and checking out the job market to job hop and get a better paycheck. If you have resigned it appears that you are more desirable in the fact that you want a job because you don�t have a job.
Things right now are calm, peaceful. I made dinner tonight, hamburgers and mashed potatoes and Rick made a cake. He did a great job on it too. He got his hair cut the other day, and I swear he�s so damn cute looking I want to lick his spine every chance I get. Today at the grocery store I was looking at him and I was thinking, �his eyes look like two m&m�s without the shells� I don�t know where this train of thought came from, but there it was. Me thinking his eyes looked like naked candies and I just wanted to lick him.
It�s been a rough road, I know I�m an emotional person with a lot to say, I analyze everything too deeply, and according to more than one source I am a person that has a tough time letting go of the past. I am trying. It�s been 8 months since I met Rick, it�s gone by fast at moments, difficult at others, but I am happier now than I have been in a very very long time. I just wish a few things were different and I had more means to adequately provide my son with more in the way of financially. That will come with time. Right now all he seems to want is consistency and love. It�s a far new thing to be a mother when there are restrictions to your access and immediacy.
On a lighter note, tonight Chloe tried to bury a piece of pizza she stole from the trash can in our leather couch. She jammed it down into the corner. Good thing Rick saw her do it. lol Pizza in the couch??? She�s a riot. She tries to bury her bones in her doggie bed too. She digs and scratches with her paws and then tries to nose the invisible dirt over her bone with her little nose. Too cute.
For everything I�ve lost I have gained tenfold. Every time I speak in my Tuesday night class someone comes up to me afterwards and says �you�ve been through so much and yet you always twist it into something you�ve learned, gained or come away with in a positive way.�
I never have seen myself in that light. I am hard on myself and sometimes I am contradictory. One day upset, the next day calm. I am a madness mixture of emotion and from what I can tell that�s what it�s like to deal with clinical depression. I go back and forth on the medication issue. With it, it is easier, but with it comes a price. I lose all creativity and want to express the way I can without it. It�s a hard price for me to pay to sit down and look at a white piece of paper and think �so what� because I am numbed by chemicals. Without it I am harder for others to be around, I cry at the drop of a hat at a thought or a memory. Without it when I get mad, it is not a healthy mad, it borders scary. With it, I can�t examine and determine my feelings and how accurate they are. Without it I am a massive knot of every feeling imaginable.
What a hard choice. The shrink says it�s up to me, my pocketbook says �hello we are almost empty right now�� My ex thinks it�s a necessity but then again it�s easier for him to believe I�m the crazy one than it is for him to face his own shit. Rick is the one I feel the sorriest for. While he doesn�t avoid me, he has a hard time understanding the out of the blue breakdown of tears. I know he wants me to move on and be happy, I want that too. Oh hell, if I could just have the good the medication does without the numbing effect, the loss of artistic outlook, the never-ending headaches.
My son told me I was ok either way, but the best way was the way that was going to make me happy. Insightful little kid he is, isn�t he?
I decided today that I have to get a power cord for this damned laptop since I swiped it and ex didn�t give me anything but the actual unit. I think I am going to eventually upgrade, and if he indeed decides to forfeit it and not buy it back from me at an exaggerated cost, then I am going to finish writing that book and/or start to write something new.
I am still reading Alice in Wonderland, tomorrow is test day #1 with Bryan. I wonder if he�s actually reading along.
Rick is sleeping and I think my clacking is bothering him�..so�peace out
-PoeticaL
