cluttering the net since 2001


Sunday, Oct. 08, 2006
The hours I spend with him feel like fleeting moments. They flutter by as quickly as hummingbird’s wings in midair. We spend time doing nothing things but they mean absolutely everything to me. They mean more than the Monday or Wednesday or any other day things that happen when he’s not with me. I cannot ever begin to explain my choices where he’s concerned to anyone to let them see into the little glass globe that is my personal history and inner voice. I know only that I have shed layers upon layers of guilt that so many others have tried to paint me with for the last several years. I know that in the big scheme of things he is self assured, brilliant, sure of life and full of color. And in all of that I must believe that some choices I have made have been the right ones. I will forever wonder what might have been if bad marriages simply did not exist in this world. If only….but the “only’s” really feel so much smaller now than they used to. I can only look at him and everything else around me and us and what we are now and in the moments where he is inside the car wiping surfaces and I am shining the rubber trim that only Honda built…I am just a smile. In all it’s curving simplicity and charm. I am full of joy in such simple one on one minutes and moments of my life as a mother. I am more than I ever had. My son knows me and my quirks and knows more about me today than I have ever been gifted to know about my own parents. But what I lacked and what he has cannot compare to how much more I am because I have had and still am so lucky to have a son.

A few weeks ago he was walking away from me going to meet his new girlfriend Alix, I snapped this photo with my sidekick II because in that one brief moment I realized how much has changed, how lucky I am and how fast he is growing up. The gift of motherhood is so amazing because it is the one gift that you never stop opening.

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