the joy, the hate, love's never too late
Tuesday, Feb. 11, 2003
There for awhile I thought that maybe ex was right when he said we are parents together, we spent years of our lives together and we could grow to be friends and learn to speak to each other cordially. I believed him. That maybe we can move into something better, something not entirely about hatred and pain. And then he says something stupid and I want to load a gun and hunt him down and watch his guts paint pictures on the pavement. In one second it comes back and I hate him more than I did before.
And then I wonder how I can hate like that?!?!?!
Then I remember those two feet on the carpeting this morning and those sleepy lips on mine this morning. I remember the cool breeze when the room is deafening hot. I remember Rick�s hand always in mine, I remember the way we laugh together and I realize that I shouldn�t hate ex for doing the horrid things he did. I wasn�t happy there. I barely remember ever wanting him around. I remember feeling more at peace when ex left the house to go somewhere. I remember wanting nothing to do with him. I remember sleeping on the edge of the bed. I remember staying up for hours because I couldn�t bring myself to be near him, or speak to him and end up in a massive emotional fight.
I should call him back up and thank him for leaving me, hurting me, destroying so much of me, because if he hadn�t, I wouldn�t have met Ricky and I wouldn�t be happy right now. I wouldn�t know what it�s like to speak to someone that understands you immediately. I wouldn�t know what it�s like to trust someone�s words, to know that you are wanted. I wouldn�t have crazy fun conversations about masturbation fantasies, and all sorts of wild things at 2 a.m. I used to cry at 2 a.m. Now I laugh. Now I am content. I should send that ex fucker a thank you card. Thanks for leaving me! That would blow his mind, ha!
I just wish that bastard understood that Bucky is everything to me. He�s clueless.
Hate, anger, then love, then joy�it�s a wild mixture of emotions right now. I just know that I want Rick�s hand in mine�.I want to enjoy the happiness I feel right now.
-PoeticaL
