PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

just a picture in a frame???..

Sunday, Feb. 02, 2003
I used to have a son and now it feels like I just have a picture of a cute little boy in a nice frame on my desk at work, and a thousand baby pictures in storage probably melting together to form some sad kaleidescope of what used to be.

I picked Rick up tonight and when I saw him coming across the parking lot after 3 days of being gone, I put my car into park and jumped out and ran into his arms. He said, "no girls ever hugged me like that." ten minutes later when we were desperately looking for a lighter for him.

Now he's at work, I'm eating chicken, and I'm waiting another 3 hours so I can fall asleep in his arms. That's all I want. The last few days of hanging around doing nothing have been good for me, I'm rested and sane. I skipped the Zoloft for the last 2 days and feel almost like myself. But without it, I am crying missing my son. I'm feeling lonely as a mother,and cut off from my son. I call him and he sits and has nothing to say, it's not the same. I try to ask him a thousand questions and I do, and he says yes or no...but it's so not the same. I feel so cheated right now. In all ways. I know he's ok where he is...but is he really ok? Is he? Am I?

Somehow parts of me feel like they'll never be ok again. I have 3 hours to wait to pick Rick up from work....3 hours and I just want him to hold me. I just want to hear him breath all night. I just want things I can't have. I want my son down the hall,

Thursday night Bucky came over here with Rick and I. He played Sony Playstation. He had a blast. He kept talking to Rick, "Rick, how do you do this? how can I move that way?" etc. When I interjected anything he told me "I'm not talking to you, I'm talking to Rick!" I'm pretty much thinking that my son likes Rick. And that's a kewl thing. Rick's a very likable sort of guy, same with his brother Randy. I dunno...my minds all over the road, I just miss the every day of being a mommy thing so much. I miss waking him up in the morning,telling him "oh noooooo there's a hurricane...." and shaking his waterbed. I miss it all so much. It makes me ache inside. I gotta go...writing this made me start to cry...

-PoeticaL
5:08 p.m. ::
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