cluttering the net since 2001


Friday, Sept. 27, 2002
I just deleted the Josh fight entry because ya know what?

I really wanna think about love and goodness right now.

It takes far too much energy to be unhappy, depressed and sad.

Tonight husband said the following…

“I know I suck, its not like I’m unaware of my own actions. I know you’re suffering and for that I am sorry. I think you should pursue getting some medication to help you not be so sad. I think you need to find your “release” and do for yourself whatever is necessary to find your own inner peace, even if that means you take off and drive down the coast and sit in a hotel somewhere staring at the ocean for the weekend.”

I said…
“yes…but what about the bills and “Bucky” and what about the toll on the insurance right now…and…what about…”

I was laying on the bed twirling my cell phone in a manic way. He stopped and looked at me for the longest moment. I could hear my heart pounding in my head. And then he said…

“this…whatever it is is not going to keep me down. I will not be a victim. I will walk with pain and laugh at it.. I will go swimming and move around even if it means I ache allover. I will go to work and pursue my life and I will not sit and torture myself with what ifs and oh my god’s….I will be “Bucky’s” daddy and play with him even if I have to cry in agony for an hour for pushing my body into places that it didn’t want to go willingly”

I sat in silence without words.

He grabbed a hold of me and my first instinct was to just cry. Instead he tickled me until I couldn’t breath. I said, “what was that about?” He said, “laughter…you needed some.”
12:05 a.m. ::
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