cluttering the net since 2001


Tuesday, Jul. 23, 2002
Dear T,

I analyzed and scrutinized until my eyes felt like they were gonna bleed wide open. I read every word ten thousand times. Said half of them out loud on my drive home. I donít know why I did that. I donít think it was meant to be studied like that. I just kept hearing things repeating back to me long after I read it. Things that made my heart just ache and wonder and want to talk to you so badly.

For the most part I gather that maybe you just want to have fun. Iím guessing that you donít want to meet anyone and ever be tied down to that kind of life again. Maybe you think youíd always fail at that kind of relationship. Youíre job is high up there for you. I donít think you have issue with the way you live your life, I think everyone else makes it an issue. And all of these things donít make me judge you or think differently. They are just fact and are who you are. That is if I am on the right page here.

I think you like chatting to me because youíre in a not so hot place right now and I take your mind off of that. I never know how much someone sees who I am past all the pretty words and little lines of perfect staged domino letters I can build. Itís all like a card house I hide behind because Iím so shattered inside. Too many disappointments, too many times wanting to believe that someone might, or could love me the way I have always dreamt about. I want to be me again. I want to be that girl that I used to be before I made one bad decision in a moment of mass confusion.

Maybe I find nice people and tend to cling to them because I see something there that I just donít have in my life anywhere else. I donít know what my problem is, but I sure have them. Iím sorry I made you feel badly or something.

When I try to think that its bad to talk to you because maybe someday I might get hurt, I think about all the awesome days in between that I might miss out on and I donít want to. I just donít want to. Cause something tells me those days are worth the razorblades that might come later. Iíd rather stand in line than be too afraid.

11:45 p.m. ::
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