PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

leTter

Tuesday, Jul. 23, 2002
Dear T,

I analyzed and scrutinized until my eyes felt like they were gonna bleed wide open. I read every word ten thousand times. Said half of them out loud on my drive home. I don�t know why I did that. I don�t think it was meant to be studied like that. I just kept hearing things repeating back to me long after I read it. Things that made my heart just ache and wonder and want to talk to you so badly.

For the most part I gather that maybe you just want to have fun. I�m guessing that you don�t want to meet anyone and ever be tied down to that kind of life again. Maybe you think you�d always fail at that kind of relationship. You�re job is high up there for you. I don�t think you have issue with the way you live your life, I think everyone else makes it an issue. And all of these things don�t make me judge you or think differently. They are just fact and are who you are. That is if I am on the right page here.

I think you like chatting to me because you�re in a not so hot place right now and I take your mind off of that. I never know how much someone sees who I am past all the pretty words and little lines of perfect staged domino letters I can build. It�s all like a card house I hide behind because I�m so shattered inside. Too many disappointments, too many times wanting to believe that someone might, or could love me the way I have always dreamt about. I want to be me again. I want to be that girl that I used to be before I made one bad decision in a moment of mass confusion.

Maybe I find nice people and tend to cling to them because I see something there that I just don�t have in my life anywhere else. I don�t know what my problem is, but I sure have them. I�m sorry I made you feel badly or something.

When I try to think that its bad to talk to you because maybe someday I might get hurt, I think about all the awesome days in between that I might miss out on and I don�t want to. I just don�t want to. Cause something tells me those days are worth the razorblades that might come later. I�d rather stand in line than be too afraid.

K
11:45 p.m. ::
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