PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

That time when even the walls seem to let out a sigh

Saturday, Aug. 17, 2002
If anyone ever approaches you with the following line….

“Forgive the intrusion-its me, Proofrok -the Lady and I have AIM. Are you okay?”
trust me when I say…”reply …and reply quickly…”


Despite what people think, I don’t save all conversations forever. I just keep the ones that are worth reading again… Someone having his viewpoint on life is worth far more than a big aim icon smiley face… it’s rare. “Some people are trying too hard to just… be.” Something came from last nights talk.

I am me and I am a happier me when I just drop all the analytic self torture and find a way to just ….be. But...to just be sometimes you have to seek help! "being" is sadly not always a given.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to seek out some real help and stop blaming something that is “not my fault or my choice” on myself. Years of people telling me I like to be unhappy…I’ve had enough of taking the blame for something that is like having diabetes. A disease. Not a choice.

PoeticaL: it mostly comes over me at night when everythings quiet
PoeticaL: then all the crap I've held in all day trying to pretend to be happy...comes eeping out
Proofrok: That time when even the walls seem to let out a sigh?
PoeticaL: yes
Proofrok: And...
PoeticaL: and then I start getting all sappy and i lose touch with balance and I see everything as bad and hopeless
PoeticaL: then I think it's my own fault that i can't just be happy
Proofrok: Is the Buckster to bed and you alone? Then you have time to realize you're alone?
PoeticaL: yes
PoeticaL: he's in bed
PoeticaL: and i'm all done "doing shit i have to do because somehow I got this fucking life i didn't exactly sign up for" and then Kristy comes back and she's horribly sad
Proofrok: For most of us with this...disease, this gift, this thing-it is hard to just ...be happy. It's a weird catch 22 you're in.
PoeticaL: someone told me ten years ago that I'd never be happy because I have mastered miserable
PoeticaL: then again five years ago someone I was close to said the same thing
PoeticaL: and now..... again....
Proofrok: "Life you didn't sign up for..." I know. Someone said such a thing to you again? In anger?
PoeticaL: t's all like "just don't worry about things....just go one mile marker at a time kristy"
PoeticaL: "you can't be happy if you're too busy being unhappy"
Proofrok: They think it's just that easy, huh?
PoeticaL: yes
PoeticaL: like i'm supposed to hit some switch on my ass
Proofrok: I don't know if you meant that to be funny, but it was.
PoeticaL: lol
Proofrok: Have you always gone through this?
PoeticaL: ever since I woke up one day at age 19 and was family-less and married to someone I hardly knew and wondered how the fuck i got there... yup
Proofrok: I'm not your therapist, don't claim to truly know squat...but...

Some conversations are all about entertainment. Some make some profound thing inside of you shift and change the way you think. Some make you realize things you truly need to realize. Thanks for the shift change proofrok. It does matter to me. I’m thinking I’m gonna put your email address in the best of places from now on. Thanks for walking into my self help section last night with your shaven head carrying your Serial Killers A-Z book. Thanks for taking the time to want to. It did and does matter to me. And to think I've read your life from both perspectives for a year now....and we never spoke. That was a long time coming and worth the wait. Thank yoU!

This morning I mentioned my clarification's from last night to husband and he said, "something's definitely wrong with you." There was one thought only... one that remained unspoken as the walls sighed. When I find my true smile, you are not worthy of ever seeing it. And I hope I know how worthy I am to not have to endure such sadness given in such large doses of one sentence. Someone that knows so little about the "truth" called life.

-PoeticaL

well right now.. I think I need to go find a shrink and get myself wrapped
3:50 p.m. ::
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