PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

life goes on and on and on

Saturday, Jan. 25, 2003
Tonight I did laundry, tonight I cleaned the apartment up, tonight I was happy. I can't quite put my finger on it except to say that I just smile all day long. I think it has much to do with the fact that I feel like an entire woman again. The only missing part of my life is motherhood. It's taken a backburner due to husbands fucked up decisions to destroy his family. My son told me the other night that he no longer has a family. Those are the moments in all of this that I feel like the biggest failure ever. But I know that I'm not. I didn't do this to my sons life. His father decided that someone else was better. And perhaps for him someone with a cheating problem of her own is better for him afterall. Mrs. Cleaver has issues, issues I don't want in my own life. But it's his life....to each their own. I just worry about what her influence will be on my son. He knows that cheating and what Daddy and her did is wrong. He tells me that stuff himself. He's a bright kid, and he'll figure it all out in the end.

Right now I'm tired. But it's a good kind of tired. My legs still fucked up but it's better. I've kept ice on it and that seems to have helped. I'm doing better now than I was two months ago.

Rick is just great. He hugs me and holds me and just is so there for me. The affection level is high. He's responsible and trustworthy and has his shit together. I don't worry about him cheating on me or doing horrible things to me. I only worry in the sense that once it's been done to you, there is that part of you that knows what that kind of pain is like and you fear it after you have known it. It's just there no matter who you are with. He's had girls do terrible things to him as well. And that sucks. How could anyone do those things to such a nice guy?

I can only say about my son....I am in a situation where I can pay off my bills and get a two bedroom apartment with time and get my son back with me. It will happen. It's only a matter of time before he fucks up and loses his job, or worse.

He jimmyrigged the electricity meter when they turned the power off and now Florida Power is pretty interested in his illegal (felony type) behavior. So we'll see about that. He owes the Landlord $750 and the electricty where he's at now is in Mrs. Cleavers name. He's a user. He'll use her the same way he used Christmas in New York 2 years ago. Loser from the word go. Completely.

I really don't want to spend all of my time talking about how fucked up he is though. I'm doing better, I have plans for good in my life, and I am rid of the biggest problem I have had for so long. I have goals, and I have Rick and I have much to look forward to.

I'm going to go lay down and put ice on my knee. Peace.

-PoeticaL
9:57 p.m. ::
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