its going to be a long december

I know I’m not supposed to be mad at someone who’s helping me, but I am human and I am mad. I don’t like how I can be sleeping on my couch and I’ll wake myself up to answer his call. I’ll rub my eyes and look around the dark room and tell myself that we’re friends and he wants to talk. I’ll wipe the sleepies from my eyes, swallow the things that are bothering me and listen to him blather on and on about things that I’m being overwhelmed by myself.

I drop whatever I’m working on, writing to find a gift gif, and then when I show him a link he freaks out and says he doesn’t have time for a link.

Well maybe I am too open, too there for him. Maybe I am being walked on because I write “WELCOME” on my face and accept being treated like a doormat. Maybe I’m insanely tired of our friendship being on the backburner for all the work that comes first and foremost. Maybe I sometimes just wish for an hour that he was just my friend and I was just kristy. Mostly when I get to feeling this way I remind myself of all the things he has done for me, and I feel guilty. Guilty because no one’s ever done so much. But then why don’t I let myself get angry at him for the bad ways he sometimes treats me?

Maybe I wish I wasn’t the first one to run to the front of the room screaming “me me pick me” when he does come around. Maybe I just think about it all too much. But I am not mad and I am agitated and tired of feeling like a nuisance when I try to talk to him.

Tired of never knowing if its ok or not ok. Sometimes I want to disappear and see how long before it matters. I think it might be a long damn time before its noticed. I only know that I have tried to not be right there, and when I have succeeded at it, he didn’t like it.

Maybe when the phone rings I should roll over grab my pillow and do what I was doing before it rang. Maybe I don’t have to drop everything for him when he drops nothing for me. I just want to take a month off of everything. I want to sit in a cheap hotel somewhere and look out at the ocean and watch the storms come in and do nothing. Be no one. I want to go away. I want everyone to walk down the lonely beach looking for me. I want to become silence. A ringing phone that’s never answered. A photograph never developed. Negative, yeah that’s what I am. That’s me.

I want to drop everything and not care when my hands are empty. And if you don’t notice, I don’t want to care about that either.

I’m tired of being shoved to the side. Maybe he should go do his thing and I should find my own damn answers all by myself! I’m tired of feeling like this.

Yeah I ranted but it wasn’t about a house on wheels or some immature thing. I have a right to feel like shit when he treats me like I’m a bother. Right?

It’s going to be a long December because I’m going to take it off.

Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass