looking back

I�m sitting at work with that damned sunshine blaring into my eyes. I just perused through my diary and being reminded of where I was and what was going on in my life. It has strongly occurred to me today that I�m a lot happier these days than I have been in absolute eons. I�m a lot more focused and calm and just all around�.yah I�m all good and it feels pretty good to look back and see the former hell that was my life and know that I�m out of the fire.

I�m sure I�ll be sorry I typed this publicly but my son is coming over tonight and I honestly cannot recall when I last saw him. There were several weekends where he was going to sleepovers, etc and he never came over. Then there was the week my grandmother died, and then�. And remember I work at night�and yah I just don�t even recall when I last had him with me and that sucks.

I read a diary entry today where the blogger writes an entry about loving her lot in life as a housewife and stay at home mother�and then a few entries later talks about being 30 something without an education or a career and whereby she states that without her husband she would not ever be able to provide for her children.

That later part..that�s WHY I�m doing what I�m doing now. IT sucks. Trust me it sucks not being able to recall the exact last time I actually saw my own child. It sucks to want to call him and be trapped at work busy and unable to until 9:30 only to find that he�s asleep already. That sucks too.

Someday I may have to take care of my son. That responsibility may fall squarely on my shoulders and I want to be able to do so. His father isn�t working for a company. He�s working for himself and living off of his fuckwit of a wife. What happens if he becomes sicker (he is an ill man ya know..as in he has a major nerve disease that affects his walking). What if he wrecks his car. What if what if what if�

Someday my son will want a car..want to go to college�trust me when I say his Daddy is never gonna be able to give him those things. Those things will have to come from me. The only way I can give him those things is if I myself finally go to college (like I am) and earn a much better living, etc.

But the now�trust me the now sucks ass..

But tonight�tonight me, the man, my son, his nephew, his brother and his girlfriend and I think probably her daughter�..all�..goingggg bowling�..

Ahhhh I can�t wait to see those blue eyes�..

Don�t tell me I suck right now �..I already feel it�so save it. You have to sacrifice to get ahead�.that's what I'm doing. I know the price I'm paying...and it SUCKS. I often wonder what the hell I'm doing it for. I was offered a full time position at the construction company...full time...better money and....yet...still without a real future to it. But I could see my son daily for one week at a time....and yet....no concrete future....but college...it's free and I need to go. In the end it'll be so worth it...but trust me...it bites goat teet right now.