PoeticaL
cluttering the net since 2001

looking back

Saturday, Feb. 12, 2005
I’m sitting at work with that damned sunshine blaring into my eyes. I just perused through my diary and being reminded of where I was and what was going on in my life. It has strongly occurred to me today that I’m a lot happier these days than I have been in absolute eons. I’m a lot more focused and calm and just all around….yah I’m all good and it feels pretty good to look back and see the former hell that was my life and know that I’m out of the fire.

I’m sure I’ll be sorry I typed this publicly but my son is coming over tonight and I honestly cannot recall when I last saw him. There were several weekends where he was going to sleepovers, etc and he never came over. Then there was the week my grandmother died, and then…. And remember I work at night…and yah I just don’t even recall when I last had him with me and that sucks.

I read a diary entry today where the blogger writes an entry about loving her lot in life as a housewife and stay at home mother…and then a few entries later talks about being 30 something without an education or a career and whereby she states that without her husband she would not ever be able to provide for her children.

That later part..that’s WHY I’m doing what I’m doing now. IT sucks. Trust me it sucks not being able to recall the exact last time I actually saw my own child. It sucks to want to call him and be trapped at work busy and unable to until 9:30 only to find that he’s asleep already. That sucks too.

Someday I may have to take care of my son. That responsibility may fall squarely on my shoulders and I want to be able to do so. His father isn’t working for a company. He’s working for himself and living off of his fuckwit of a wife. What happens if he becomes sicker (he is an ill man ya know..as in he has a major nerve disease that affects his walking). What if he wrecks his car. What if what if what if…

Someday my son will want a car..want to go to college…trust me when I say his Daddy is never gonna be able to give him those things. Those things will have to come from me. The only way I can give him those things is if I myself finally go to college (like I am) and earn a much better living, etc.

But the now…trust me the now sucks ass..

But tonight…tonight me, the man, my son, his nephew, his brother and his girlfriend and I think probably her daughter…..all…..goingggg bowling…..

Ahhhh I can’t wait to see those blue eyes…..

Don’t tell me I suck right now …..I already feel it…so save it. You have to sacrifice to get ahead….that's what I'm doing. I know the price I'm paying...and it SUCKS. I often wonder what the hell I'm doing it for. I was offered a full time position at the construction company...full time...better money and....yet...still without a real future to it. But I could see my son daily for one week at a time....and yet....no concrete future....but college...it's free and I need to go. In the end it'll be so worth it...but trust me...it bites goat teet right now.
5:24 p.m. ::
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