cluttering the net since 2001

love don't live here anymore...

Sunday, Sept. 01, 2002
It’s quiet here. Very quiet. I’ve not been doing much all day. I went to the bookstore and took back this horrific book I bought. Nerve: Literate Smut The website rules. The book sucked. So I took it back. :-( I don’t like taking books back.

I spent the day largely alone and right now apparently “Bucky” is at a friends house, husband isn’t home and is ignoring his cell phone ringing and I am sticking to my “one call” rule. What’s odd is that no matter where I go I never can ignore his calls. I think this speaks largely of his viewpoint on me. Whatever. I just dislike not knowing where for sure that “Bucky” is. I’m going to have to sit down with him tomorrow and ask him. This is just not kewl.

I would kill for some Starbucks right now but it’s after hours and so….no Starbucks happening. I think they should be 24 hour joints on the weekends. I suppose I could make some latte if I wasn’t so lazy right now.

Ok so I’m getting angry because I don’t really know where my kid is. So like I started to pace around the living room with this bad feeling and then Bry called my cell phone saying “heyyy you paid your bill..” Yippy skippy. But Bry had to go pretty quickly and so then I started to look through my cell phone at all the numbers and people I haven’t talked to.

I decided in my fit of panic and pacing to call my old friend Branden from Ohio hotel fame. I don’t know why. I just was bored and stuff. He answered and was driving home from work and was pleasant to me. He said his girlfriend can’t do it like I can. What a claim to fame, to be orally talented. I dunno… I just imagine what it would be like to have a penis and if I was a penis what might feel good. I never thought it was a talent thing. But apparently it is because he talks about it every time we speak. The idea that I ran up a $1100 hotel bill on his credit card and he still talks to me and we still get along as cool as we do now…. well…something about that is David Lynch like. It’s very cool to be told that you are good at something, good at anything really, even more so when you’ve made it your mission to be uniquely good at something. Wait, it wasn’t really my mission, I just think if you’re going to do something, be good at it or don’t do it.

Ryan Adams is on MTV right now, how cool. Its not like you get to see that too often….really kewl. Ryan is so nasty dirty campy looking. Like he needs a shower, but c’mon he sings…and you just want to rip his clothes off.

I haven’t heard from ‘t’ and I’m starting to worry about him. I’m bummed out and mostly I really just miss him. I miss his happy go lucky nature. His big smile. His everything… I dunno. I don’t know if I can go on forever missing him.

Right now the only thing I seem to be able to keep going back to think about is my son and where he is right now and how I don’t know and how that’s total shit. Someday things are gonna be entirely reversed…. This really sucks. I just found husbands cheesecake he bought today. $10 I just flushed it piece by piece down the toilet. Oddly that stuff doesn’t want to go down a toilet real easily. Strange.

This Ryan Adams special is kickass…. He’s playing his guitar out on the streets somewhere and it’s just awesome. Better than watching him in any concert. He’s playing all over the place, on the beach..etc… it’s just great. If you missed it, then I feel bad for you.

Ok….another night laying staring at the ceiling in an empty house not knowing where my so called family is. I suppose this is the reason why I seek solace somewhere sometimes…. Because living in the middle of hell is glass floating in your veins, glass floating in your veins and maggots swimming in your eyes, and alcohol poured on oozing wounds.


I thought maybe I could be some kind of shelter
But oh, your storm how it raged
You know your kisses, they like lightnin' and thunder
And your smile is sweet and come down like rain
-Ryan Adams
1:27 a.m. ::
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