love is a house where I am not alone
Wednesday, Jun. 12, 2002
Our computer system is down. I know this makes no sense to you reading this now because I will/would need to have the system be UP to post. But right as my letters are forming across the screen, the system is down. Being that it is down, we are at a standstill here. Most of the guys are talking about who they were banging ten years ago. Thrillsville. Why is it when you get a group of men together the first thing that they talk about is how many cats they�ve petted?
This morning I re-started my lame attempt at continued weight loss. My jeans are definitely tighter than they once were. So breakfast was a no carb bar and 1 liter of water. I can still fit into the new smaller size that I reached, but it�s not feeling the same. And I never was done. I mean, I never met my goal. And I sorta slowly let go of my resolve.
Complacency. It is complacency that haunts me. It is a difficult thing to maintain accountability. I know I talk about this a lot and it is because I know what a bad state of affairs my life is. I know that I need to pursue and work harder for the things that I want. I think that in my lifetime when things were good I never planned for a future that wasn�t going to be so great. So now I need to get to the great so I can begin to plan better. It�s hard to explain my thoughts. It�s a mass of understanding up there that doesn�t translate into words very well.
Last night was just one giant headache, but that part of it has subsided somewhat. I know that I finally got one thing lodged into my head. He cares about me regardless of how many times he gets completely aggravated with me and goes off on a tangent. He can say all those things about goodbye, and then a few days later when he�s past his own mental crisis he comes back around. So I have accepted that he will always be there. He asked me why I never went to speak to him. It was because I�m so tired of dumping my shit all over him. I want to straighten my life out and only then share it.
There�s another thing I�m going to address. James. James is this great guy with a massive ability to be non-judgmental. And I am drawn to anyone that has that ability to have that kind of a grandly open mind. James keeps telling me to just stop talking to Brad. That Brad is bad for me. There�s something I need to say to James. It goes something like this�
My feelings for �him� stem from years of his involvement in my life. I can�t lie and ever tell anyone else that they will just have that slot in my head/heart because perhaps it�s a better choice. These things happen from time and shared experiences. They happen from communicating often. They happen from a day after day choice to build something together.
There are levels to the strength of our relationships with people. It�s rather like building a house. You start with a desire to do so. You gain blue prints then discuss plans and share ideas. It is a rather long planning process. And then with much tentativeness you begin to build. Where do the windows go? What do you think? The house changes over time. �The tile order didn�t arrive, the tile man is able to start work today. Let�s get some tile locally.� These are the trials that happen. We change our original outlook depending upon the trials that life hands us. We communicate along the way and we imagine how the house might turn out. We adjust our original intent and we accept the changes for the better of the end result that we�re after.
My entire relationship with him has been so many things to me. He�s taught me what it takes to build a �house�. We spent 3 years planning out stages. We have the entire framework done. I�ve sucked at being a sub-contractor. I didn�t hang my communication windows in the right places. I held back from swinging any hammer with all honesty. I installed carpeting crooked. He came back behind me and straightened it. I forgot to make sure the plumbing didn�t leak. He showed me how to handle life�s leaky faucets. I messed up so much more along the way. He forgot to show me some of the blue prints along the way. I looked at his abilities in awe. For him it appeared easy. I now know it wasn�t.
I believe he was finally ready to come here to talk about hanging the front door so that we could both have a way into our house together.
If I never get to walk into that house and if I never get to see how it could have ended up, I know that someday when I do find a way to build a home I can happily in love dwell in, there will surely be a plaque somewhere that still has his name on it. I will never forget.
So for all the people that always refuse to understand that they just don�t understand. For all the people that tell me he�s bad for me. For all the times I�ve been told he doesn�t care about me. (Did I mention that when I told him I was having financial problems being on my own, he offered to financially help me??) (I said no�.I know I have to get to the job site on my own) For all those people�if you know me and see in me something that you are attracted to and you talk to me and think I have anything to offer. Strength of character�.. If you think that I am someone you want to know�if you think I have anything at all straight in my life. He was the one that held the level and gently nudged everything into place with me. If you think we could build any relationship (house) together, (be it only friendship or otherwise..) he taught me how. All my crooked and mismatched walls were what he got to deal with. What he gave, was something I will never be able to explain or thank him enough for. Before him�during him�I made a thousand mistakes. Because of him, I believe I am different, better. More enlightened. I certainly have pounded in a thousand bent nails in my own coffin along the way. I am still learning. I have far to go� Because of him I know that as well.
I know the house I tried to build starting 11 years ago with husband has a slow burning highly destructive fire within it. Destroying it. I believe its because the two young people that started to build it together didn�t have a clue and the roof�s leaking bad, the basements flooded and the foundation is crumbling at an alarming rate. The grass is even growing up through every crack. I wish I could go back knowing what I know now. I keep trying. Is it right to try? Someone told me recently that I should just give up every relationship and go be by myself. What a negative resolve that would be. Just give up. Let every house fall.
I am fortunate to have a row of tiny townhouses called Friendship Road. I like to visit there often. It�s a row of homes that are varied and different and in my mind all are irreplaceable. I go there often, because there I find lemonade conversations on front porches of my mind. There�s acceptance and love. I cherish that avenue in my life. Those houses, regardless of size and importance are very cherished. I didn�t know friendship/relationships were judged like being given a grade. All of my friends are special to me in their own ways.
I am no longer completely lost. Perhaps now I�m just lost, but I have a map to �complete� and I�m looking for my way. *shrugs* I know one thing, I�m tired of defending him to other people. Fuck it. You just don�t know what I know.
-PoeticaL
Your mind is mine
in sunshine
We'll walk in the rain
at the right time
-The House of Love
Knowing what I know now about foolish pride
I'd hold you in my loving arms
And say I love you so
And I would't start this story
Once upon a fool ago
-Trace Atkins
