love is stronger than anger
Wednesday, Nov. 05, 2003
last night was class night. class night sucks. i never mind the fact
that i'm about to go, it's more that i mind the fact that i'm there once
i'm there. a room full of women that have allowed their worst qualities
as humans to allow them to be abused, abusive, angry, and angered at. its
all quite sad. last night a 25 yr old girl described children and youth
taking her child away because she left an abusive man and went to stay
with her girlfriend (platonic) and her ex found out she was living in
a one bedroom apartment with their two kids. now...the world tells her
that she needs to depart the bad situation at home, as soon as she does so
some fucked up government agency comes and tells her that she did something
wrong and they take her kids and give em to the ex, the abusive guy. so
now there she sits with no money, no real home, with a job making enough
money to survive, but not enough to pay for an attorney. (legal-aid is for
the poor not the working poor)
so we collectively make suggestions to her for how to cope and deal with it. women that are strangers amongst her are offering their telephone numbers for support. women who've either been there or are praying they never are. women that understand that fucked up things happen, sometimes we are to blame, other times we are someone elses pawn in the game of life. she cries, several join in. her two year old...will he remember her if it takes too long to get him back? her new boyfriend (she self proclaims that she picks them for their money) is controlling but she readily admits she's going to put up with his shit because right now she needs to use him for his cashflow.
ok so she's wrong at least 50% of the time. but she's so deep in denial and crap (ie: i relate from past events) that she can't see it all right now. oh why is it so much easier to see other peoples mistakes and solutions than it is to see our own.
finally a strong natured black girl within the class sits straight up and points her finger at the 25 yr old girl and says "you're to blame..yes people have done shitty things to you...yes you have a big fucked up mess right now but you are to blame and until you get angry at yourself enough to never allow this again... you will be dealing with this shit all your life. This is man #2 who did this shit to you and so...where's the pattern?"
the 25 yr old girl (white by the way) put her head down and said "I know."
then silence ensued. total silence. the teacher of the class..silence. sometimes there is just nothing you can say.
do good things happen to bad people only?
do bad things happen to good people only?
do things just happen because they are meant to happen to someone or are we all just amongst the things allowing the bad things instead of working to get to the good?
i have two or three classes left. i wish i could start all over again and take 26 more. i'm no longer an anger driven person. i know that there are things about myself that have changed. i just think that there's nothing like the gut wrenching reality check once a week to kickstart someone's thoughts in the right direction. i should hate this class. and sometimes i do. i should resent the fact that i'm there instead of ex. but the fact is i still get mad about things. i just find creative ways to deal with it.
BF and I...when it comes to anger...lately we end up laughing at each other when before we would have carried it all into the realm of nasty. maybe its me...maybe it's him...it doesn't matter really. we are doing much much better.
now if only there were a cure for snoring. a cure for doggie envy. (yes i do love chloe to pieces and she loves me bestestestest. i can't help it. ;-)
by the way...i finished caramello and that book was the best. i wanna read it again right now.
-PoeticaL
love is as gentle as a rose
and love can conquer anyone
its time to take a stand
brothers and sisters join hands
we've got to let love rule
let love rule
