cluttering the net since 2001


Wednesday, Jun. 04, 2003
A big long conversation later, too many tears for two people that love each other, and a handful of regrets on my part and I think we're ok. The problem? Here we go...

When I was 14 my sister stole my psuedo boyfriend, the first guy I ever kissed. She did it because as she stated "I knew I could." A week later she dumped him. It seriously scarred my viewpoint of women and how catty they are. A few years later when I was 17 a fellow female classmate/friend of mine asked me how things were going with my boyfriend Steve. When I listed my complaints she smiled. A few hours later it came to my attention by him that after that conversation she went and hit on him in a bigtime major way, using "Kristy said that things weren't so great..." as part of her ploy. Again I learned what women were capable of. When I was 19 my mother kicked me out of the house with nothing but a note she taped to door for explaination. She's still not any part of my life due to her choosing and from this I have major issues and scars. I further learned just how nasty women could be. From that point on I made few female friends in my life. A few acquaintances through work of course, but nothing with any meaning or lasting power for me. I moved around far too often in my marriage and because of his criminal past I never felt I could truly open up and be honest with another woman in order to be truly good friends or anything close to that. One time I ventured out on a limb and told a somewhat friend of mine, Kim, that my ex (then husband) had gone to jail numerous times for theft. She replied by saying to me "Thanks for telling me, I won't bring my purse into your place ever again." And she wasn't laughing. That experience stopped me from venturing forth into making friends with any other females for a long time. That and the constant moving. Then just a few years ago ex and I bought a house in a nice neighborhood. The neighbors were Christians and ever so friendly. They even had a son about our son's age. It was so picture perfect it made my teeth hurt. In time, years worth of time, I learned to venture forth, even asking the Mrs. of the neighborhood home to go to the beach with me. It wasn't long before this same woman felt it necessary to check out the comfort of my marital bed and it would appear that she found it to be to her liking. That Goldilocks seriously stuck the screws to my venturing into the female realm. I know this is all rather confusing but this leads to the reason there is/was?? a problem with Rick and I. All of these experiences led me to reach out to male's to form friendships. Afterall my father never did anything wrong to me, my brother and I were very close at one time. Even my first boyfriend of 6 years never hurt me. So when things were becoming more and more estranged with my ex, I looked for a support system and found it ..*insert groan here* on the Internet. Men in question??? Brad and Bryan. Both of whom I have never met in person. Brad is my closest confidant and was and has been there throughout so many difficulties. He's someone I trust and have relied upon for advice and guidance. The things that all friendships are based upon really. Bryan is someone I've known even longer than Brad and not someone I've ever even had the remotest interest in in a boy/girl kind of way. They are merely my friends. I'm sure that my real life friend Delboy isn't easy for Rick to deal with either. He's here locally but doesn't ever come around nor do we speak all that often. But when we do we do talk for an hour or better over the telephone. Delboy was also someone that listened and was there for me and gave me advice when my hands were full of glass shards and my life was slowly falling apart.

When I met Rick I told him all my friends are guys. I tried to explain why and how this came to be. I understand that for him this cannot be an easy thing to see, feel, or contend with. It's also not easy for me to maintain my friendships without feeling and knowing that I am hurting the man that I love. It's rather confusing and there are parts of me that want to chuck all my friends and make Rick happy. Then I'm terrified because every man I have ever given up everything for has left me with nothing to show for it. It's a mass of confusing feelings for the both of us.

I know without a doubt that Rick loves me, it was all over his actions today. I am unnerved that he said, "it's over" in a pm message and then left. I never thought he would do something like that. This indicates to me that its very hurtful to him that my friends are all male. I cannot even imagine how I might feel if women were calling and asking for Rick and he was talking to them. I imagine that it would be very hard for me. I know one of the neighbors commented to me about how nice she thought he was and I about came out of my skin with jealousy....

Now ...what to do? Chuck all my friendships??? Try to figure out a way to help Rick realize he is the only man I love? Try to be more understanding? Man..there are never any easy answers in relationships. Never.

When the conversation ended today, we hugged. I can't imagine not being able to talk to Rick, know Rick..know how he is. It's something I cannot even fathom. I used to think that same thing about my marriage a long long time ago. That he wouldn't possibly ever leave. Having someone tell me it's over like that definitely makes me relive some bad stuff. But I think what Rick is after is not being jealous and hurt and perhaps he feels that if he just ends things he can avoid those bad feelings.

Hopefully he and I can straighten things out and no one has to get hurt anymore, I think if I gave up my friends he'd probably feel bad about that and he hasn't asked me to either! I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to lose Rick. And I cannot lie and say that Brad and Bryan haven't been a huge lifeforce in my life that I have relied upon heavily. Oddly enough both Brad and Bryan are in Rick's favor and support him all the way in every matter I address to them. They usually tell me to stop thinking about myself and think about Rick's point of view.

whew....my head hurts...


P.S. To those women out there that have been supportive, have offered kind words and invisible shoulders, you can be rest assured that I appreciate you. That I do not lump all women into one whole. I know there are good people out there. It's a pyschological fault of mine to be leery and that leeriness in real life has probably caused me alot of friendships. Sandy, Amanda, Karen, Kathleen, Paula and so so many others here at Diaryland....you women give me strength, hope...and belief again. Thank you!
6:57 p.m. ::
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